Family Breakfast Sunday

Jesse is going to be leaving us soon. The way I figure it, we have two family breakfast Sundays left before he takes off for his new home and job in sunny California.

So we made this last one count. First was breakfast at Mill City in good ol' Nordeast. Eating on the deck there is so pretty and quintessentially summer for us, although this time we didn't bring the dog. It was a little more peaceful that way.

Then, it was off to the park for Noah's first attempt at riding a two wheeler without training wheels. After Jesse tuned up the bike, Sarah took off the training wheels and we were off.

How many adults does it take to teach a kid to ride a bike? Answer: Four.

We went up a few streets to a park with plenty of flat area to practice on.
It was HOT and HUMID. We filled that water bottle three times.
After the bike ride, we all got ice cream and Sarah and I hit Crafty Planet and the local thrift store Rewind.
I bought some new sunglasses.
Then we went to visit Grandma Reade and hang out in her amazing garden.

It was nice and mellow, except when Stan decided to help with the stump removal.
See, there was this stump that Noah obviously didn't like.
So it was decided it must be removed.This was about as far as we got.
Jesse is coming back later in the week with dynamite to finish it off.
Mr. Miagi loves his new home and now will even eat from your hand.
I loves me the toad stools.
Jesse grew a catalpa mustache for the occasion.
Sarah was cold, despite the horrendous heat.
Actually, she was under the gun to finish a blanket.
Through perseverance and hard work, she did just that, and it is beautiful.
Noah looks like a miniature of his brother. Or maybe it's just the glasses.

I am writing it here for the first, but not last time: I will miss the Jesse.

Tired

This last week has sucked.

I made a, well, let's call it an "error in judgment" that has so far cost us $4,900.

I feel broken.

Maybe I could be rebuilt, but I doubt it.

I guess I'll just soldier on.

Without my best friend of 14 years. Who is moving hundreds of miles away in three weeks.

Yeah. Life is . . . great? Ri-ight.

First Buffy, Then Angel - Now Comes Dr. Horrible

Update: This was free when I made this post. Now that popularity has reared it's ugly head, you have to pay $2 an "act" to watch it. Darn.

The time: 11:57 PM

The scene: Lisa walking the dog.

Halfway around the block, a huge black dog ran out at us, seemingly friendly-like, but I grabbed Dodi and picked her up, just in case.  She was making the equivalent noise of a junior high school girl who has just been asked out on a date by Mr. Joe Cool because she wanted to play.  The owners thought she was being killed by their dog.  Cue two college guys running out in full on panic mode.  Once they realized it was Dodi and me, and I realized the black hulking shadow was really good old gray spotted Chu-Cho, all was fine.

So I proceeded on my walk, all fine and dandy with the world.  Then, I turned onto my street.  I saw the neighbor from the party house two doors down from me standing in his yard.  The one whose wife calls him Stan even though his name is really Dan.  Hmm, what the heck is he doing?  Rolling up the garden hose?  Spreading fertalizer?  No.  No, he's not.  He's shirtless, knees bent in a semi-crouching stance, practicing his nunchuck skills.  

Seriously.  Nunchucks.  

Wow.

McCain is an asshole. Part 2

When McCain released his tax return for 2007 on Friday, he separately disclosed that he received a pension of $58,358 that was not listed as income on his return.

If McCain had to pay taxes on the full amount of the pension, it would have increased his tax bill by about $18,000 based on the percentage of his income he paid to the federal government.

I realize that his 5 years as a prisoner of war were hell and his rehabilitation was extremely painful. However, after that, he regained full flight status and commanded a Navy squadron.

In his autobiography, he states that his disabilities are: not being able to raise his hands over his head and that his knee hurts in cold weather. That garners him $58K a year in supposedly tax free money?

He was able to fly and command a Navy squadron, yet is still disabled? He is in "perfect health" and able to run our country, yet is still receiving disability checks? Something stinks here, and yes, it is McCain, the quintessential Republican asshole.

This will be MINE.

There are so many to choose from! How is a girl to decide? I know, I'll just get them all!!!

McCain is an asshole.

During this past week:

• McCain called the most important entitlement program in the U.S. a disgrace.
• McCain's top economic adviser called the American people whiners.
• McCain released an economic plan that no one thought was serious.
• McCain flip flopped on Iraq.
• McCain joked about the deaths of Iranian citizens (Let's kill them with cigarettes!)
• McCain denied making comments that he clearly made -- TWICE. 

Read all about it here.

Sharks with laser beams!

I think Noah needs this. . . for me.

4th of July Road Warning

Good thing Noah's taking karate.

Castle Rock Getaway

Last weekend, I went to Castle Rock House in Lutsen, MN for a two day intensive course on Hands On Healing taught by Cheryl Berg.

I haven't been up to the North Shore since Stan and I had our honeymoon at the creepy Cotton Mansion in Duluth. The web site makes the place look, oh so pretty, but in reality it is the setting for every B horror film ever made.

The house we stayed in was far from creepy. It was big, beautiful, and I would love to go back there with a group for a weekend stay.

The back of Castle Rock house with some of our group packing up to go home.

The windows in the upstairs living room were amazing.

Hands on Healing Class in progress.

Balconies for hanging out on either side and the walk out patio were awesome as well.

This was the view from the walk out patio. It was the plateau before you went down one more level to the rock beach.

The fire pit. Many a marshmallow met their end at this place.

Then came the beach.

Sarah and Catherine thought they could swim to the island, even in the freezing cold water. They only made it this far.

We took a ton of rocks from this beach to use in our stone massages. I only fell once in all my hours on the shifting surface.

The motley crew of Juut.

Before we headed home, we hiked Cascade Falls. I forgot how pretty they were!

Juut hikes to the falls.

Some of us held back and climbed out on the rocks to get a better view of the falls. They thought we got lost, so Aaron came back to find us.

He did it chicken style.

It was a perfect getaway.

Conversations with Noah

"Who is this?" Noah says pointing to a picture of his great-grandpa.

"That's my grandpa you were named after.  His name was Palmer Hall."

"Hall?"

"Yes, hall.  Like Hallway."

"Oh .  .  . or alcohol."

"Yes, um, like alcohol, except it's spelled a little differently."

How to count to ten in Japanese

Noah had a night of very little sleep followed by 5 hours of hard core playing with a group of his friends at the indoor playground. Come 4:30 all that boy wanted was a nap. Unfortunately, he had to cope with his first Shorin-Ryu karate class instead.
If I hadn't joined in to "try it out" with him, he wouldn't have made it. He was a lot more shy and reticent to join in than usual. However, he was highly observant and remembered all of the moves he learned in the class. His sensei, Dieter Von der Marwitz, is from South Africa and represented his country twice in the World Grand Championships. Besides that, he is a very nice guy and Noah likes him quite a lot.
When they are doing their moves, they count to ten in Japanese. Noah wanted to learn how to do that before his next class on Monday. So, let's all learn how to count to ten in Japanese! Come on! It'll be fun!

1. Ichi (ee-chee)
2. Ni (knee)
3. San (sahh-nn)
4. Shi (she)
5. Go (go)
6. Roku (ro-koo)
7. Shichi (she-tchee)
8. Hachi (Ha!-tchee)
9. Kyu (Q)
10. Jyu (joo)

Holy Crap Birthday

It just hit me that Noah' birthday is this Sunday. Holy Crap, but I have a shit ton of stuff to do. For those who are interested in watching and/or joining in with a big group of kids on inflatable fun, the party is at Pump It Up in Plymouth from 3 - 5 PM.

After that, the fun moves to the Keathly house. There will be drinks and grilling. Please bring your own meat to grill and a beverage to share. We will have condiments, chips and whatnot.

Now I must go. I have a house to clean, purchases to make and a self inflicted haircut to fix on the boy's head.

See you Sunday!

I know what Stan and I are doing tonight . . .

Noah's Last Day of School

I remember buying our house while I was pregnant, not even worrying about the school system. The elementary school was okay, but realistically, a lot can change in 5 years, and I couldn't even imagine my yet to be born baby in kindergarten.

Yup, that seems like only yesterday, but in reality yesterday was Noah's last day of kindergarten.

Noah pouting on his last day of school.

His first day coincided with my test for a massage license in the City of St. Paul so I only had a couple of minutes to tear up before I had to get it together and focus on anatomy questions. Starting my new job was a perfect distraction for me and a huge change for all of us.

Noah on his last day of kindergarten.

Noah woke up this morning missing his teacher. Now he is standing, pajama pants around his ankles, singing a made up song and flipping the light switch on and off. Already, he has discovered the joy of summer vacation.

Noah with his teacher and assorted classmates.

To the 2008 Graduating Class of Northwestern College, my Alla Matter

First of all, let me say how honored I am to be speaking here today at Northwestern College. Seriously. I can't believe you can't get anyone better. I mean, really, you are a religious college and I haven't been to church in over ten years. You people must be desperate.
So, what I would say to the graduating class of 2008. Well, since I graduated in 1996 I have learned a lot that may help you on your journey in life. First off, let me assure you that I still believe in God. I play fast and loose with the term "God" but C.S. Lewis is still a revered writer in my book and I'm not just talking about the Narnia series and movies, although those are awesome.
Something I would like to impart is that so many professors, parents and pastors have and will tell you who and what God is. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart. God doesn't kill. God doesn't take away basic human rights that everyone should have. In short, God doesn't play favorites. Political leaders will play with the term "God says" as well. They should not be listened to either. Religion and morality do not apply to politics - only law does. Please do not confuse what you believe is morally right with freedom.
Shame plays a big part in religion as well. If you are harming others, or yourself, you should be ashamed. But healthy living is not shameful. A healthy sex life is not shameful. Neither is drinking that is not done to excess. And card playing? Dancing? Mary Mother of God, have fun. Printed cards do not pave the way to hell. Neither does dancing or nicotine. Gamble your house away or pass out drunk when you're supposed to be babysitting and then we'll commence with the "you will never get into Heaven" smack down.
Attending a religious college has helped you avoid the sorority girl "I dated the fraternity" label. I mean, even wearing heavy eyeliner here is rebellious, so worse pitfalls have been avoided. Kudos to you! The extra 10K - 20K a year has kept you from venereal diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Just think, you could have been one of those chapel speakers crying about your aborted child, if you had attended the U of M.
I am proud of you. The Ex-Lax in the brownies trick will regale your friends for years to come at the Women's Support a Missionary League. I just hope your heart is in it. If not, be honest with yourself and your God, including who your God, who a trully just God is.
Thank you! Now that you all are graduates, you are freed from the Lifestyle Agreement and can drink alcohol, smoke and have premarital sex! The party starts at Dreamgirls (with free drinks from 9PM - 11Pm compliments of yours trully) and stops whenever you do! Good night Roseville, and God Bless!!!

Stay true to your roots.

Once Jesus got famous, he changed, man.

Why are You Tube Videos refusing to show up on my site?

They should! They really should! Especially this one.

I am a writer

Not because I want to be published with fans and money and all that good stuff. I would like that as well though, I mean, who wouldn't?

The real reason I am a writer, that I know I am a writer, is that I am compelled to write. Some of the self-sabotage I do, the bad habits I have, are because I am not writing. I am not using the outlet I inherently am compelled to use. I also have this all compassing knowledge that I can make people feel things. Only later in life do I realize that it's not to take care of the world, but to relate to it.

I know some writers. Writers like me. Jesse is a writer, his mother (and mine!) Reade is a writer. They both weave their words with emotion, intelligence and wit together on a page that makes you laugh, cry or ponder, "who the hell are these freaks?"

I am so proud of Reade. She is published on line, doing volunteer reporting that utilizes her intelligence, research and just plain ingenuity. Jesse is a master of not only the written word, but many languages of programming. Sometimes they kick his ass, but he fights back, with samurai-precision, bending the code with his very will.

At times, reading his blog brings back the fear I had at reading a poem my sister wrote about my grandpa's hands. It was so eloquent, so fucking spot on, that I instantly realized I could never top it. Of course, I was only twelve, and an older sister always makes you feel insignificant. The point is that I gave up my dream of writing at twelve and have had a hard time taking it seriously after that. Childhood, my friends, can fuck you up.

So I should start writing. For me. Shitty first drafts, as Anne Lamott would say. I should follow the example of my amazing mother and just start writing already! Even if it's about migrant swans, just start already!!!

I left my T-shirt in SanFrancisco. . .

I won't spill all the beans about our trip to "The City" but I can share a couple things.

First off: Noah flew the plane to SanFrancisco.


Stan got stoned for the first time in Haight Ashbury.

While Noah turned into a tiger (or were we tripping?)

Stan almost got killed at Fisherman's Wharf by a creepier-than-hell-mask-wearing, knife wielding maniac.


In 98% of all the pictures, Noah is channeling one of the bimbos from "The Price is Right."


And I turned 35.

The perfect summer drink

I am enjoying my G&T made with lime mineral water, lime and just a splash of gin. It would take about a dozen of these to equal a full shot of alcohol, so it's the perfect "I'm drinking, but not really drinking" summer drink.

Today was a doozie. I work tomorrow as well and need Sunday to finalize practically everything for the trip as well as get the house and puppy ready for our absence.

I have a lot to do. So, naturally, I am off to take a bath. I did just work 11 hours after all.

Also: Noah is watching a Scooby Doo episode with Scrappy Doo: the most annoying cartoon character of all time.

Not funny.

More cussing

In addition to "shitballs" I have expanded my vocabulary expediently with two more cuss words that bring me joy. I give you: fucktard (as in "they were fucked so hard, they were fucktard") and Jesus Christ Superstar.

I know, I am classy.

This one is for Jesse

I think I found the people you were with the other night.

Mediatemple?

And I think I really know just how the night ended.

Jesse?

My birthday tattoo.

I luvs it.

Ow

In the midst of learning how to play the game at work, I signed up for an extra shift. Okay at the time, but today is the day and I am dreading it. Extra money = good. Giving two 90 minute stone massages in a row = hellish.

Currently I am a walking billboard for someone who desperately needs to see a massage therapist. Thank all deities that Mark will be here tonight to work some of the pain out. If you hear screaming laced with swear words around 6PM tonight, that will be me.

Tattoo finalists

The bluebird on a barbed wire fence is out. Here are the finalists. The final product will probably be a version of the first picture.

Falling leaves. So pretty.

Fat bird with leaves and delicate branches.

I am so excited. I can't wait for my ink!

Live Journal

My live journal expired and was deleted. Please join me in a few seconds of silence in memory of what was. . .

Okay now that's over, what should my new livejournal/account name be? I am going to switch blogging sites so I can write some locked posts for my homies and write free of censoring so I can keep my job and friendships intact.

Your choices are:

• HoBag
• Bitchface
  
• Whore

Or you can come up with your own. That might be better. The most creative one wins the prize. Please don your thinking caps and come up with a doozie.

Books I read in March

Here are the wondrous books I read in March. Many of the authors I have read before, will read again, or both.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Object Lessons by Anna Quindlen
Sex and The City by Candace Bushnell
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
Dog Behavior Answer Book by Arden Moore
Naked by David Sedaris
Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin
Innocent Traitor by Allison Weir
Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

23.5 YTD means I will most likely read about 80 books this year. Nice.

Roller Derby Family

I know they have Roller Girls, but how about Roller Dudes? Or Family Derby Teams? We are so competitive, there would be blood, you know there would. Stan would ruthlessly tease the kids while Noah would tell the moms they were fat. I would cut to the chase and kick the dad in the balls with my skates. Fouls would be flying everywhere. It would be awesome.

Noah on skates.

Anyway, Noah and I got roller skates today. He is following in the wheel tracks of his mama, that boy is. I hope he has many enjoyable hours skating to a selection of music that does not mainly focus (or even include) Christian Contemporary.

It is happening.

It's time for my birthday tattoo!

I will be at Kore's Tatu Shop on 4/15 at 10:30 AM. Feel free to come and watch!

I knew the previous post would have reprocussions.

Because now, I has snow.

Itz Spring!

These carpets are clean!!!

I have achieved step one in the dog house training process: clean all odors and stains from carpet.

There are some great recommendations on line. I used a mixture of dish detergent, hydrogen peroxide and baking soda. 416 ounces of hydrogen peroxide took care of my large upstairs bedroom. Yes, I know. That is so not good, it is actually BAD.

Next up is dealing with the puppers. Stuff like walking her daily, letting her out consistently, blah, blah, blah.

Wish us luck!

Ooh! I remember what I was going to say!

I have changed my favorite swearword. It is now "shitballs."

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled life.

Also: shitballs!

Things I realized

1. I don't look good in red.
2. Gay men can have anal sex face to face. I don't know why I thought they were only able to do it doggy style. Thanks for the visual, book.
3. You should never move a half-full fish tank. They are sedentary items.
4. Time does not make annoying people any less annoying.
5. Religious expert believes the resurrection was metaphorical. Damn interesting.
   

I swear there was more, but once I am out of the cave of a massage room, I tend to forget the epiphanies I had in the quiet solitude of rubbing a naked person's ass.

On that note, happy Easter!

Books I read in February

The count is at lucky #13 as of February 29th

1. Cesar's Way by Cesar Millan
2. Turtle Moon by Alice Hoffman
3. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
4. Mister B. Gone by Clive Barker
5. The Winter of the World by Carol Ann Lee
6. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

March has 8 books logged already. I'm enjoying the reading, as well as the list making. Who knew keeping track of what you've read could be so enjoyable?

San Francisco, here we come!

In 2000, Stan got laid off a week before our first family vacation in Austin, Texas. The whole time he worried about money and was horribly depressed. Since then, the only trips we have undertaken are weekend camping and bed and breakfast getaways.

This year, though, we are off to San Francisco! I am looking forward to spending time with my boys as we experience the city and kick back for a few days. We will be there solo for four days and then Stan's mom and sister are joining us for the last four days of the trip. We will be visiting relatives in Santa Rosa and also hope to see some of the sites: Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf and Chinatown as well as hit wine country and view some of the beautiful redwood forests.

It will be most awesome.

Any insider tips would be great! I'll even send you a postcard!

I got my first snarky blog comment!

I always wondered what I would feel like if I got smack comments on my blog. I didn't think it would happen, since only like three people read it and I know all of them. But, lo and behold, I got one!

Boy. I knew you were fairly egocentric - but didn't really get it until I read through a few of your blogs. Perhaps you might give a little thought to the idea that you are not the only one in your universe...there are others around you at home and at work.

Oh, I am chastised. My head, she is hanging low. Just kidding, I am amused. Obviously, someone doesn't like me. Boo-hoo! Someone is telling me that my blog, which is about me, is egocentric. At least they got the point. It's all about me, because it's my blog.

Next up in Lisa's blog: It's all Lisa, all the time!!!
Lisa's underwear drawer: updates for spring!
The latest drama as Lisa removes the dog pee smell from our carpet!
Lisa's continuing obsession with waxing.
Lisa's toe nail polish choices: should she go sheer or bold for vacation?
A hidden secret: Lisa and her struggles with going to the gym more than once a week. Possible intervention episode.
Keep coming back for your daily dose of LISA!!!

A little respite. Maybe.

Things at work are in flux. There is a possibility that my schedule may change. I am hoping to get one more night off to be home with the boys.

Also, I just put in a vacation request for our family San Francisco trip the first week of May. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Reese, you dirty slut.

The pose makes me think something naughty is going on. When I read the caption, I was all, "Yeah, whatever!!!"

Here it is:
Reese Witherspoon models an Avon Empowerment Bracelet from a special seat – her own spot at the United Nations – during a news conference Tuesday to announce a partnership between Avon and the United Nations Development Fund for Women. "I think it is so important to make our daughters and our sisters and everyone whose lives we affect be aware that there are so many women without rights in this world," Witherspoon told PEOPLE at the event.

Seriously, I think she was telling us all to "Suck it!" and implying what whores and cheap ass product pushers Avon is. Besides, who stumps products at the UN? Avon is doing this for money and publicity. Hmm. . . maybe the gesture was for them. . .

Do not fuck with The Lisa

Last week I attempted to grab a piece of pizza from the dog and got bit. It punctured the skin a little, but didn't bleed. I kept up the good fight, not backing down, channeling the alpha, and won. I do love Davanni's pizza, but not enough to eat it after it's been in anyone else's mouth.

Anyhow, after that I have been ignoring the dog, giving her stern commands and basically putting her in her place. A few short moments ago I heard her chewing on something. A repeat performance, I went to her kennel and saw her chewing on aluminum foil. I told her, "No, drop it." in a calm deep voice and she immediately ran out of the kennel, leaving her treat behind for me to pick up.

Damn straight. I am bad ass.

Although I might need to tone it down a bit. Yesterday morning Noah said, "You get near my pancakes and I'm going to stick a fork in your neck." Ahh, Nickelodeon programing, with your pregnant teens and violent dialogue. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I am paying extra to give him such wholesome programming.