Christmas: Part III and IV (A New Hope)

No pictures yet, but we survived our final Christmas gatherings with all of our faculties intact.

First up was Part III: Christmas Day at Eller's home in North Branch with Stan's family. It was the most enjoyable one yet. Pretty mellow with good food contributed by all. Stan got a Barnes & Noble gift certificate and a sweater. I got a smore maker and chocolate fondue set which I exchanged for a soft and fuzzy Egyptian cotton robe. Noah made out like a bandit, again, with his main gifts being a Leap Frog Leap Pad and V-Smile video game. He also got a Captain Jack Sparrow pirate costume from "Pirates of the Caribbean." I must say he does look awfully dashing with his fake dreadlocks.

Then was Part IV: 12/30 the entire Melander family Xmas in North Branch. We showed up late, ate a lot and got out at a decent time. One of the uncles dressed up like Santa to distribute presents to the kids and Wayne took the kids out for a hayride. Noah had a great time and got a pirate board game from Santa.

Now, it is done! We are officially on to celebrating New Year's Eve. But that, alas, is another post all together.

Christmas: Part II

On Christmas Eve, Stan, Jesse, Noah and I were off to Grandma Reade and Papa John's house for dinner.


Grandma Reade made some amazing turkey chili, made xtra spicy thanks to Papa John.

Noah got a mountain of presents: 14 total.

Everyone, even Buddha, was in the holiday spirit.

And we left in good spirits, our car packed with presents and our Noah in feetsie jammers.

A Casulty of Decemberween

The Poor Sap Never Had A Chance. Not With This Weather.

Happy Holidays Everyone!

Christmas: Part I

Saturday night Nemy, Boot and Sam came over for our Xmas celebration. We made Swedish meatballs (out of turkey meat for Stan) with gravy, red skin on mashed potatoes, rolls and a pear walnut feta cheese salad.

Noah and Sam opted for chicken with black beans and cheese, but one day I'm sure they will join in the Scandinavian joy that is Xmas dinner.

We had lefse, cookies and dark chocolate for dessert and lots of wine.

We only exchanged gifts for the boys, but Noah got to open his gifts from us as well, so there was excitement galore for him.

Tonight we are on to Part II: dinner at Grandma Reade and Papa John's house with even more presents for Noah.

Then it's the finale: Part III with the Eller family on Xmas day.

Man, I need a nap already.

The Last Hurdle

I was worried about changing the registration of Dodi's microchip implant. It would involve contacting the former owners, which I DID NOT WANT TO DO.

This morning I called HomeAgain and found out that the number was valid, but they never registered it. Five minutes later Dodi was registered and if lost we will be contacted.

Insert big ass sigh of relief here.

Tomorrow She Gets Groomed

I think she's going to look different. I'm not the type to dress up my dog or put bows in their hair. At least I try to pretend I'm not. Because for Xmas I totally am going to let the groomer put red bows in her hair, at least for a picture.

Happy Couple with Puppy - Before We Realized She Wasn't Housebroken.

"Why doesn't it smell like trash and smoke anymore?"

And where did the five dogs and three kittens go? No one is stealing my kong, dude."

Finally! A picture of the puppy!

Here is the cute little face of our new dog.

Housebreaking is still coming along slowly. So far we have had 2 days out of 8 where she went outside only. Yesterday we had two accidents in the house, right in front of us. Hopefully our response helped her get closer to understanding what we are asking her to do.

She is sweet and cuddly. She loves to play. She is slowly learning our rules. We taught her to sit, which she does about 70% of the time on her own, without us having to push her ass to the floor. We make her sit before she is allowed to do anything: get in the house, the kennel, cross the street, jump up on the couch, etc. She is going to be the best trained dog on the block.

I think she is the best Christmas present I ever got. Thanks Stan!

Two days down. . .

Our doggy boot camp has gone surprisingly well. For two days now, our house has been free of dog waste products. I have been taking her on at least one 20 minute walk a day. Today she got an hour of exercise/walks outside and was rewarded with supervised off the leash time in the house. I do not take my eyes off of her for a second when she is out of her kennel. I know she's just waiting for me to turn my head so she can "go" on the carpet.

So things are better. It sucks in the morning. I usually sleep in as late as possible and don't move much in the first hour. Now though, if I'm the one up first I have to take her out and deal with a dog who has been locked in a kennel all night and wants to have some room to move. I tell ya, I don't understand those people who have a dog and full time jobs. After being in a kennel all night the dog gets 30-60 minutes out and then goes back in for another 8-9 hours while their owners are at work. That would suck the big one.

My advice to anyone who wants to get a dog would be this:

1. Get one that is at least 2 years old. That is the end of the puppy stage for most breeds.
2. My dog is 8 pounds and would love to run for a few blocks at the beginning of each walk. Pick the size of your dog wisely. Realize that every dog needs a daily walk no matter how big or great your yard is.
   
3. If you do not want to housebreak a dog, buy it from a breeder with a guarantee or a rescue organization where the dog has been fostered. Do not go through a classified ad (like I did).
4. Make sure the dog is kennel trained. This is 100% necessary for your sanity. When the dog is too much, for whatever reason, you can put it in the kennel and take a break. If you feel guilty, give it some snacks or a chew toy. It will be fine.
5. Training classes are not an option.
6. Spaying/neutering is not an option.

There are so many great resources on the web and through Humane Societies. No one should be living with a misbehaving dog. And no one should have to adopt a dog that doesn't fit their life or commitment style.

I was a cat person before Dodi, but once she is housebroken I think she will be less work. At least with her I am picking up the poop in my yard after it arrives. With the cats, I let the litter box go until it was a brick of horrific odors. I am also getting a lot more exercise. The weather this last week has been mild, but there is no way I would have been out in it if it wasn't for Dodi. Noah and I even went to a state park for a walk around the lake.

So things are going good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!

Boot!

You know he's the best uncle ever when he lets Noah paint him like a clown with face paint.

Best little known fact ever: Boot went to clown college.

He wanted to be a sad clown and was considering working kid's parties. Because every little kid's dream is a depressed clown making nooses out of balloons at his 5th birthday party.

"Look mommy! I'm hanging myself! Isn't it funny!"

The professional at work.

Angry clown.

The Unforgivable Sin

When I was young, I used to worry that I had committed what the Bible belivin' people referred to as "the unforgivable sin". Really, I would mind fuck myself to death worried that I had gone so far as to earn eternal damnation. Once, I was convinced that it was taking the Lord's name in vain. For an entire week I was convinced I would spend my afterlife in torture and misery. My mom let me off the hook, but I was still worried that I would commit this elusive sin, not knowing what it was until it was too late and I was doomed.

I'm not sure about the afterlife anymore, but I do know, without question, what my unforgivable sin of the day is. It was those two minutes that I left the dog alone to eat her food, chained to the cabinet. Obviously she hasn't put 2 and 2 together to make 4 when it comes to her dog bed, because she peed on it. A whole day with walks, kennel time, supervised leash time and I blow it by leaving her unsupervised for two minutes.

Damn me to hell.

P.S. Yes, I know I gave Stan crap for leaving her unsupervised yesterday. Irony noted.

Hey Momma?

Yeah Noah?

When you do this (inserts finger into belly button) it makes your penis hurt.

Really?

Yup.

Um. . . .okay.

Place your bets!

We are now the house of bowel control training. I am curious who will be done first: Noah or the dog. Noah's issue is with transition. He doesn't want to take a break from whatever he's doing to use the toilet. He'd play for hours in wet or soiled pants if we let him. It's gross.

Our precocious puppy doesn't know that outside is the proper place to "go". We are keeping her in her kennel or tied to one of us by her leash. Yesterday she left Stan for one minute, which is all it took to whiz and crap on Noah's rug. Stan was furious, but paid the price for breaking the rules and letting her run free. She is getting out once an hour and we are taking her on 1 - 4 walks a day. However, she doesn't realize that this is when she needs to go potty. She thinks she's just hanging out.

I was thinking about making a Noah vs. Dodi chart to mark accidents and successes (as well as when they go to see if there's a pattern). Then I had a flash of Noah in counseling years later talking about how fucked up his mom was, "I mean, she put me in a pissing contest against the dog. Literally."

Any tips would be appreciated.

Do - di - od - do - do

Yesterday sucked. Let's see, which was worse?

1. Finding three spots where the dog whizzed in the house.
2. The furnace giving up the ghost in the middle of the night.
3. Realizing that I had been neglecting the gas bill that I get via e-mail and owe $409 to Centerpoint Energy.
4. Finding out that our furnace will have to be fixed to the tune of $500 because we forgot to change the filter and the furnace overheated.

Actually, it really doesn't matter which was worse because (lucky me!) I got to deal with them all at the same time. Don't ask me how I got this wonderful life, because I simply have no idea how I got this damn lucky.

Today was better. Our furnace was fixed for $250. I think seeing me almost break down in tears yesterday made him give me a good deal. If so, being a girl finally rocks.

We blew some money at the vet where we played true and false with the information given to us when we got the dog. Here's how it went:

The dog is a purebred poodle.
FALSE: The dog is most likely a terrier poodle mix.

The dog is 6 pounds.
FALSE. The dog is 8.5 pounds.

The dog is microchipped.
TRUE.

The dog is a year old.
TRUE.

The dog is kennel trained.
FALSE.

The dog is potty trained.
FALSE.

The dog is healthy.
TRUE. Kind of. She does have a hernia, which is common with poodles. They will take care of it when she's spayed next month.

We had to get a bigger kennel and a halter vs. a collar when we take her for walks. Otherwise, all is swell with the little mutt. And (here's hoping!) with me too.

A year in review.

Idea from Melody. First sentence of the first post for every month of the year. Here we go:

January
It's a hard knock life for a 3 year old.

February
Noah has already discovered the sheer joy of jerking his parents around.

March
I found the pictures of the Project Runway Fashion Week Show.

April
Stan and I escaped from our kid and responsibilities last weekend and were well cared for at the Round Barn Farm B&B&B in Red Wing, MN

May
It is 12:30 on Saturday night. Stan, Jesse and I are hanging out.

June
The Little Tikes Jump N' Slide for $230:

July
14 days apart was torture.


August
I tell ya, nothing brings neighbors huddling together under a tarp like National Night Out.

September
Squid soap is the awesome.

October
The day of the Summit Big Brew Party dawned bright and sunny with just enough chill in the air to wear a sweater.

November
Could also be titled: "I worked out for 3 hours yesterday" or "I did 400 situps.

December
Saturday night Stan and I went to Masa with Jesse and Sarah.

Not a poodle.

We were told that Dodi was 100% poodle, but she is obviously a mix of some sort. We're thinking schnauzer, but will have to see what the vet says.

She slept with Noah last night and it was cute to see them cuddled up together. This morning we let her out to piddle and she was full of energy. We've heard her barking and she'll whine if we leave her outside alone.

We had one accident inside the house, which sucked. I wonder if we missed the cues that she needed to be let out. Either way, we'll be doing it more often.

Nemy, Boot and Sam met her and thought she was super cute. They are fans of The Dog Whisperer and got to try out "the hand" and "the sound" from the show that Cesar uses. For people who aren't huge fans of pets, they sure did pet her a lot.

I am starting to like her more and more. Cleaning her yesterday and seeing the trash house was hard on me. Stan said that I have been thinking about wanting a dog for so long that reality couldn't measure up. He was right. I just need to remember that she's just a dog and when it comes down to it, that's all I wanted.

Right now she is cuddled up with Stan on the couch. Cute little tired girl finally has it good, and clean.

Noah named her "Dodi"

This morning we got all of our dog supplies together and set off for Buffalo. After an hour on the road we pulled up to a rusty old trailer and wondered if we should even let Noah out of the car. The woman smoking in the driveway spotted us, so Stan picked him up and brought him into what I now think of as "the trash house".

We didn't see their baby, but the couple and their 2 year old child were filthy. The floor was also filthy, where it was still holding together. From what we could see of the carpet in the bedroom, it was made up of a multitude of stains, covered with garbage and edged with crusty dirt.

I sat down on the couch while Stan stood at the door holding Noah and trying not to throw up from the sight of their sewer of a bedroom that was crowding into his peripheral vision. I asked her to sign a paper stating that we payed $250 for the dog and they sold it to us. She told us she hadn't been able to enjoy the nice weather because she had "cleaned up for our arrival". Wow. Simply amazing.

The little girl kept bringing me all of their cats to admire. (They had 3 cats and 6 dogs living with the family of 4 in a small trailer. It still makes my heart ache for the kids as well as the animals thinking about it.) When running after yet another cat, she tripped over the vent in the floor and it came flying out. She was okay, but I could tell the parents were embarrassed.

As soon as it seemed polite, I grabbed the cute little black bundle that had been bounding around my feet and headed for the door (It helped that I had a pocket full of dog treats). We brought her to the car, put her in the kennel and took her out immediately so the little girl could kiss her goodbye. When we were pulling away Stan said, "I didn't think poverty like that still existed in Minnesota. Wow. I think they sold their dog for Christmas money."

I sat with the kennel on my lap, trying to ignore the smoky smell emanating from the dog. She was mellow, laying down most of the way home. We stopped at PetSmart to get shampoo and then were off for home. It took three times and a lot of rinsing before the water ran clear. I guess the black was hiding all of the dirt. Reade got here while I was drying her off and helped brush her out and trim her hair. We didn't get all of it done, but could finally see her face. After that Reade took her for a short walk while we had lunch. We followed that up with a long family walk and a cuddle on the couch. I trimmed some more of the hair around her feet, which was long and matted.

So far she has been a great dog, mellow and cuddly. She needs training, but seems eager to please. I think she needed us, her owners needed money and we needed a good dog. Not exactly an Xmas miracle, but a good deal for all involved. I think this is going to be good.

P.S. Pictures are coming!

We just bought a dog. At least we think it's a dog

What do you think? Dog or no dog?

I had stopped looking daily at the different classified ads for pets, but Stan asked if I looked on Craigslist, so I showed him the petfinder.com classifieds. And we found Sassy (definitely going to change the name). She's a black toy poodle, a year old and less than 10 pounds. Tiny, cute, black, doesn't shed, just what I was looking for.

After some conversations, negotiations, and one blurry cell phone picture later, the deal was done. $250 and an hour drive to Buffalo on Saturday, and she will be ours.

I got my Christmas present early this year. Hmm. . . since I got her for Christmas maybe I should name her Santa. . . or Jesus. Ideas anyone?

Cool Xmas Gift Idea

Wall decals. Decals for kids. Glass decals. Car decals.

Cool.

Long post.

Saturday night Stan and I went to Masa with Jesse and Sarah. The first downside was when they encouraged us to hang up our coats. The coat hooks we could see were packed with coats, and the only one open was broken. It was only after we mentioned this that the hostess said, "Oh, there's more on the other side of the wall."

When we got over there, we saw the coat hooks were behind a table of diners. We were going to skip it, but they said it was fine, that they would just "be going through our pockets and even checking the liner." Gee, that made us feel so much better.

Then we got a sticky, dirty menu. Isn't this a D'Amico chain? Should this really be happening at a 4 star restaurant?

The food and drinks were good but not excellent. For appetizers we got the guacamole and the sopes surditos. The sopes were excellent but we make better guac. Stan and I split an unremarkable chicken enchilada with black beans on the side. Jesse's Puerco Veracruzana (pork) was much better. The sangria drinks Sarah and Stan ordered were also excellent. Jesse and I had the Masa and the American Margaritas. The first was watery and the second had way too much lime.

Two more downsides were that the bathroom was almost out of toilet paper and completely out of paper towels. Then we got the wrong bill from our server. Not huge problems, but ones that should not occur at a restaurant like Masa. If you are going out for a fine dining experience, I would skip it and head down the street to Azia. Everything there, from the food to the service is flawless.

Afterwards, we saw the craziest Xmas house ever at 35th Street and 23rd Avenues in Minneapolis. All of the inflatable holiday decorations ever invented converged on this yard for your viewing (dis)pleasure. There were at least 20, if not 30. It is the definition of crazy and definitely worth the drive.

We wrapped up the night playing Trivial Pursuit and Apples to Apples at the Chatterbox Pub in Saint Paul. We had fries with "cheese sauce" and chocolate fondue with literally a thimble full of chocolate. They use quality ingredients at the Chatterbox, which is impressive, but doesn't work when you have to mix water with cheddar cheese to make it smooth, which is exactly what they did.

I added three tall Strongbows to my two margaritas, but with the week I had, my companions were fortunate that I didn't just set up camp under the tap. Literally, I am still so overwhelmed by my therapy session last Thursday that I simply would not have cared.

Although I did care, because I like Sarah and don't want to show her the entire freak show that is Lisa quite yet. I may have missed the mark though, after my comment to Jesse about not paying any rent yet. Yup, there it is, the part of me that made his X cry. Although he will be getting an apology when he gets home. I at least know when I've been a bitch now. And that, as they say, is the first step towards . . . something.

Jesse's New Lady Friend

Last night I watched Law and Order with Jesse and Sarah. Two whole episodes.

I was hoping to get some crocheting done, but the light I bought is so blue-lightish that using it in a dimly lit space with black yarn is freaking impossible. So I watched TV and made jokes with said company instead.

They put up with me through two episodes. I say that because they probably would have been nakid before the first one was over without my presence. Really. It's embarrassing, but most likely, probably in an alternate universe, or mine, true.

Really though, I like Sarah a whole heck of a lot (This is an understatement, but no need in freaking my "delicate flower"
Jesse out.) Saturday night we are double dating it. The agenda includes dinner and then hanging out. The most important part though: Noah will be staying over at Papa and Grandma's house. NICE.

Anyone want to help finish our floor? Hello? Bueller? Bueller?

About two years ago we put in a bamboo floor. There were some issues that we never really solved with the floor. For example:

• The transition pieces to the bedrooms, bathroom, linen closet and kitchen. (We just covered them all with rugs from Target. I know, we're classy.)
  
• Undercutting the door frames so the edges of the floor are tucked under neatly. (Right now there are gaps that would take about two ounces of wood putty to fill. Do you think anyone would notice it wasn't all wood?)
  
• Figuring out what to do for transition/molding pieces around the fireplace. (I'm voting for 1/2 round trim.)
  
• Nailing the 1/2 inch round trim to the molding. (We bought oak trim and then realized that it was too hard to nail through without drilling. This required a very small drill bit that kept breaking. The trim has been painted and cut to fit for two years, patiently waiting for attachment.)

Sunday Stan and I undercut the door frame to the first bedroom and recut the floor boards so they slide underneath. Then we put the transition piece in (with screws) and used wood putty to fill in a couple small areas. It looks good. We are down one rug, which is the awesome. Total time: 2 hours. Suck. One doorway down, three to go.

The kitchen will be more interesting. We may have to cut the subfloor in the kitchen to make it work. But we can do it. I have faith.

Tonight we are borrowing John and Reade's nail gun to affix the 1/2 inch trim in the living room. Hopefully after this weekend the living room, kitchen and hallway will be done.

Have any plans? Well, now you do. Come on over. We have a fridge practically spilling over with beer and lots of power tools. It's a combination you really don't want to miss.

Thanksgiving Pictoral

Ma Reade and Jesse cooking in the fantastic remodeled kitchen.

Noah and Stan color the Thanksgiving picture from the paper.

And finally. . . dinner!

Jesse's Comment on Driving Past an Old Friend's House

"I'm feeling 'not so fresh' so I thought I'd visit a douchebag."

I heart my Jesse.

What 80's Band am I, You Ask?

What band from the 80s are you?

You rule. in 15 years, you won't be as known as you are now, but most of the people that will know you then will like you (or else I'll beat them with a stick). You're nice to listen to.
Take this quiz!








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Christmas Comes Earlier Every Year

Driving past the Sunset Funeral Home yesterday I saw at least 40 Christmas wreaths by headstones. Really people, respect for the dead is great, but it's not even December yet. Couldn't you at least do a wooden wreath? Something with berries and leaves perhaps?

It actually warms my heart a bit to see all the Christmas wreaths at the cemetery around Christmas time. The mix of morbid and sad with holiday cheer hits me as just right somehow. But then February and March hit and all of the brown rotting wreaths dotting the cemetery turn into depressing icons of ignored rotting corpses that only get a visit once a year.

Not what I expected. . .

I thought the wedding dress of Katie Holmes would be breathtaking, classic, incredible. Instead it looks like something bought at David's Bridal off of the $99 rack. Look at the cheesy lace sleeve with the puffs of tulle that look like they were stuffed in there at the last moment.

The look on her face seems forced and her hair looks like it hadn't even been brushed before the veil was thrown on. My first thought was, "She flew in a hairdresser for this? I could have done better."

Oh well, considering her skeletal physique maybe she's just hungry. Or maybe she was reeling from a pre-wedding "clearing" session. Lord knows an e-meter will play some role in the honeymoon, and no, that is not a sexual euphemism. Poor Katie won't be getting any action from her gay husband unless he wants to spawn another child for the cult.

If only it was real . . .

it would, by far, be the best kid's book EVER.

Even more than Why Mommy is a Democrat.

Dora the ???

Wow. The Christmas parade of toys with sexual innuendos seems to start earlier every year.

One down, one to go.

I can't take the credit for it, but Jesse is off the market.

Haven't met her yet, but I like what I hear. I mean, the girl crochets for cripes' sake!!! How could I not like her?

Now we only have B left to hook up.

It's a good feeling when positive things happen to those you love.

This winter is going to be good.

Because an urn of ashes is so passe

Now you can make your loved one, pet or human, into a diamond.

Just Say No to Mom Blogs

I read seven Mom blogs every day.

Seven.

This is my "escape" every day.

It's nice that I can identify with women who are going through the same situation I am, but shit. I need to get the fuck out of my mind.

I am bored of my life.

I need a challenge from someone other than myself.

I was reading it in the bathtub and I still feel dirty.

Reade and John bought Stan "the sinner's guide to the EVANGELICAL RIGHT" by Robert Lanham for his birthday. It is a hilarious, as well as frightening read.

The opening chapter talks about James Dobson. I am overly familar with this man. When my parents were students at Bethany Fellowship "College" of Missions in Bloomington, MN his famous, "Dare to Discipline" book was the favorite of all the parents in the family dorms. At that time, Bethany manufactured the famous Bethany lefse grills and less famous lefse sticks. If you are not familar with making homeade lefse, the stick is long and almost paper thin. This was a popular spanking tool amoung the college family types. They were everywhere: the daycare, the church coat closet, the boiler room off the cafeteria. I remember the sharp "swish" of air sound they made before the contact with my young, tender bottom. Again, and again, and again.*

I have never read "Dare to Discipline" but they included quotes:

"My own mother hit me with a multiple of straps and buckles."
"[P]ain in a marvelous purifier. . . There is a muscle, lying snugly against the base of the neck. . . When firmly squeezed, it sends little messengers to the brain saying, "This hurts; avoid recurrence at all costs."
"I suggest (spanking with) a switch (a small, flexible twig from a tree) or a paddle. . . if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't motivate."

And people wonder why I don't talk to my parents anymore. Sad to say that this is just the teeny, tiny tip of the iceburg.

They also included "Rejected Titles for Dare to Discipline" as a spoonfull of sugar:

• A Dummy's Guide to Sticks, Spatulas, Belts, Switches, and Ping-Pong Paddles.
• Spare the Rod, Spoil the Demon Possessed Hellion
• Just Wait 'til Your Father Gets Home (He's Hungry, Overworked, and Ready to Kick Some Ass)
• Spanking the Fairy of of Him
• Paddle off the Pounds: The Spanker's Diet
• Everybody Hurts, Sometimes
• Speak Softly and Carry a Viny Switch
• Spank Liberally, Vote Conservatively
• If You Can't Beat 'Em, Give 'Em a Good Shaking
• Take That, You Godless Little Shit, Do you Want Another? DO YA?
• The Jesus Paddle

*I was 2 when my parents started school there and 5 when they were kicked out. Yes, kicked out of the group that condoned child abuse. I know, it's the crazy.

Come on, do we look like killers?

Tonight we went to a 1920's vineyard themed murder mystery party. We both were badass characters who had secrets. Stan assumed the identity of his deceased cellmate in prison and I had two dead husbands and a dead fiance to my name. Even with our histories, we were both found innocent of the murder this evening.

Stan and Lisa a.k.a. "Ralph Rottengrape and Tiny Bubbles"

Stan looks so freaking badass.

The food was excellent and the vino was flowing. It was a nice gathering, although weird to have it during the week vs. a weekend.

And now, this is Lisa transforming back to normal:

Cheesy headband off. Check.

Bobby pin removal in progress.

Sexy high heeled mary janes off. Check.

Jammers on.

Time to watch the election results and Nip/Tuck. Damn, but I wish I had naturally curly hair. It looks incredible.

My Enneagram Type

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Vote or Die

I like it when you vote bitch. Shake your titties when you vote bitch!
Everyone who reads this MUST VOTE TODAY. Or else. . .

Frank Black rocks.

Jesse and I went to see Frank Black last weekend. There's been a ton of stuff he's released I haven't had a chance to listen to, but I enjoyed the show nonetheless, and even rocked out a bit.

The best parts were:

1. Running into my friend Shelly who I haven't seen for 5 years. Turns out she was trying to track me down, but I was unlisted. Yea for Shelly! I missed her mucho.
2. Comparing the band members to other people.
   

Bad pic to compare, but this Eric looks like a perfect old fat Eric Reichart. Seriously. It was hilarious.

Duane kinda sorta looks like Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck.
I told him this after the show and he said he'd check into it.
I think he's going to assume I just think he's super hot.
See below:

Dylan Walsh of Nip/Tuck

3. Grabbing a slice at Luce afterwards. It's been awhile.

The worst parts were:

1. The drunk LOUD and TALKATIVE guy behind us. No, Frank can't hear you, so stop talking. He tried to argue with Jesse after he asked him to quiet down, but shut up quickly when Jesse ignored him.
   
2. The short, fat, drunk chick who kept thrashing, I mean dancing, as if she had all the room in the world.
3. Her annoying pogo happy boyfriend who stepped on my foot. Thank goodness Jesse was there to protect me.

It was a good night followed by lots of sleep and a mellow Saturday. Life . . . it is good.

Sometimes. . .

we are too in love with our problems.

Although we agree that we should be rid of them, we are not entirely ready to let them go.

Yup. Uh huh. True dat.

Tattoo ideas for Jesse from the Suicide Girls

and pinupsfortroops.com

Sexy.

She's even got the cig.

She's Hot *and* she's holding a gun. Rwar.

Sexy pose lady.

Take out the Suicide Girls stuff and this rocks.

Okay, she kind of looks like a dude, but I like the glasses.

Decemberween is Coming. . .

And you should buy me this in XL (scroll down to bottom of page).

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!

Could also be titled: "I worked out for 3 hours yesterday" or "I did 400 situps. Beat that you motherfucker."

Now I just need to keep that momentum going. I am planning on alternating my annoying Denise Austin kickboxing DVD with my equally annoying callenetics (think extreme yoga/this is the one that asks you to do 400 situps) DVD.

I have 69 days until I arrive in Hawaii. I would like to increase my strength and stamina (Renee wants to go extreme hiking) and lose 10 pounds.

The gauntlet has been dropped. Time to kick ass.

Happy Halloween!

The Bastard Child of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups and Rolos

Lisa Tranquilizers

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are my favorite candy. I love the salty peanut butter. For me, the chocolate is a bonus, although I don't usually don't care about eating the edges. I'll do it, but it's not really worth the calorie hit.

Second is any chocolate that has caramel in it.

Today I saw the perfect, absolute best candy ever: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel. AMAZING. The caramel makes it very sweet, but my brain kept registering caramel, then peanut butter than back to caramel again, and again, and again. WOW. The best part was that the edges of the cup had caramel hidden way back to the edge of the chocolate so eating the edges of the cup was not even a question.

This candy is absurdly packed with all that makes me happy. Like Ace Pear Cider, it joins the ranks of magical food items that soothes the savage Lisa beast within. If Stan is smart, he will sock some of these babies away for when I get bitchy.

Creepy Breastfeeding Logos

Mothering Magazine had a breastfeeding logo contest. Needless to say, it totally creeped me out.

Jesse is the best girlfriend ever! Squeal!!!

The trailer for LOST next week showed a clip of a man wearing a patch. A new character said, "Who the hell is that?" which was what we were all thinking about her.

My first thought was, "It's Patch! From Days of Our Lives!" What a crossover! Stan had no idea what I was talking about, but Jesse knew who he was. Bo's brother and rival whose eye he stabbed out sometime in the 80's. I was so excited that one of the guys actually knew who I was talking about that I felt like a giggly teenager all over again.

I just found out that he is back on the show. What are the odds? If only Days was on ABC I would totally believe it was a plug placed on LOST. Man, if it was true, it would have been the awesome.

My eye and I are back in Salem.

The Spiritual Education of Noah: Part One.

"Mom, who lives in that castle?"

"That's not a castle Noah, that's a church."

"Who lives in the church?"

"No one lives there. That's where people go to worship God."

"What's God?"

"He's the magical being that created the entire universe and is constantly watching us and taking care of us."

"Oh."

Let me tell you, so far the kid is not that impressed.

The "Amazing" Zurah Shrine Circus

Our neighbor gave us discount tickets to the circus. We upgraded to closer seats and paid $26 for the three of us. The acts we really liked were the ones that took real talent: the juggling, the tight rope walkers, the 5 motorcyclists in a metal ball, etc. The animal acts were mostly just sad. However, Noah saw pepole riding the elephant and just HAD TO RIDE IT! Here we are on one of the biggest land mammals alive today:

Momma and Noah on Ellie.

Our favorite act of all was the stunt man being shot out of a cannon. It lasted not even 5 seconds, but it was amazingly cool to see a guy hurtling across the Target Center.

For those of you who know my opinion of clowns, I will let you know that they were so lame they weren't even close to being scary.

In the future, I think we will be going to people only circuses. There are many professional shows out there to check out. And there are some great family shows coming up in the cities. Free even! I hate the cold weather of MN, but it is a great city to raise a family in.

Masturbate for Peace

It's the least you can do.

Stayed up late dreaming of owning the fecal matter of your favorite celebrity? Well, now your dreams can come true!

Just visit this site and the bacteria, skin flakes and fecal matter can be yours for the price!

I don't know about you, but I know what I'm getting Stan for his birthday.

Jeff Bridges "The Dude" - Skin cells $10.95, Bacteria $6.75.

Mmmm. . . beefy.

I was a vegetarian for 3 1/2 years and then went back to eating meat. Stan eats meat, but not mammals. Jesse is allergic to fish. So I can make chicken or turkey for dinner. I know that they make turkey/chicken/vegetarian everything now days, but it's not the same. It's good, but doesn't even come close to measuring up to real pork or beef.

Tomorrow we are having people over to hang out so I seized the opportunity to make beef stew for the first time in about 12 years. The amazing smell is permeating the house and I am so happy. It's one of my favorite meals not only to eat, but to make. When I was a kid, I would fry the beef cubes in Crisco and use a McCormick's Seasoning Packet. But now, I have matured. This stew is 100% homemade, I used olive oil, real herbs and spices, and IT TASTES AMAZING.

It will be served along side vegetarian chili, baked brie with apple and pear in a filio crust and lots of different kinds of bread. There will be apple pie and ice cream for dessert and plenty of drinks (alcoholic and non).

So come on over already. We have plenty for everyone!

Snow

I mean, I did have snow. No accumulation, but it was snowing and it is super cold.

Baby Toupee

No more being ashamed of your bald headed youngster.