Parent's Worst Nightmare

The Terrie Shiavo ordeal is over. She passed away this morning after no food or water for 13 days. The situation grabbed the attention of the US and most of the world. It is not only a situation shrouded in shades of grey, but it hits home emotionally on several levels: the passing of a child - every parent's worst nightmare, having a spouse suffer a horribly debilitating accident, and what you would want your loved ones to do if you were in Terrie's situation.

I am not a Roman Catholic. I don't know the religious implications of the decision on Terrie's soul. However, the God I know would not make Terrie suffer from the decisions of her husband. I believe that he will be accountable for his actions in the beyond, and she will be responsible for hers.

I believe that actions speak louder than words. And Michael Shiavo's actions have been portrayed as straighforward and honest while her family have spouted accusations of everything from gold digging to spousal abuse. I know they are angry. I know others are angry. But calling him a murderer and threatening his life shows you as the lesser person.

If he was after money, he could have accepted the $10 million offer to turn over guardianship of Terrie. If he didn't have a moral conviction that this was what he needed to do for Terrie, why wouldn't he just give up and walk away? Get a divorice and live his life with his girlfriend and his kids? It makes sense to me that he is doing this for Terrie, for I can't think of one benefit this is giving him.

Florida law gives the spouse the right to speak for an incapacitated person. Just like 32 other states in the US. This situation happens all the time. Michael is not a monster. He is a grieving spouse who has been caught in a horrible situation for 15 years. The Shindlers are not horrible people. They are angry and hurt, suffering first the loss of hope their child will be returned to them and finally the death of their child. They are striking out in pain, flailing for help, hoping for a miracle. I don't expect them to be ashamed or apologetic of their actions. I just hope that they can forgive Michael one day and work in a non-condeming fashion for families to have equal say as spouses in this matter.

I hope I never am in that situation with my child. I can't even imagine the pain and confusion a parent would be in. I hope that I am never in this situation with my husband. It would be hard to let go, or not have others be able to let go of him if I thought it was time. Like many others, I have discussed this with my family. They know my explicit wishes to never be on machines of any kind. I don't want to be a burden to my family. Give me 12 months, tops. If I haven't recovered, let me go. I will be with God and they will be free to live their lives without me.

This is so morbid. So sad. I'm going to go and focus on my kid for awhile. On life.

"One Foot In the Grave" or "Terrie Shiavo" or "Happy Easter"

I couldn't decide on just one title . . .

I was driving to my in-laws for Easter this afternoon, listening to Beck's "One Foot In The Grave" on the CD Player and it hit me how it was actually a Easter themed CD. Loosely, of course, but still! It hit on death, the beyond, our hopes, everything! And then it hit me how it also applied to the Terrie Shiavo case. I was dreading my in-laws bringing this up. The whole "no one is right except for me" point of view. The "everyone who doesn't listen to Fox News is wrong" point of view. And a lot of the lyrics applied to this topic as well. Beck is a genius.

If you doubt me, just check this out:

HE'S A MIGHTY GOOD LEADER
He's a mighty good leader
He's a mighty good leader
He's a mighty good leader
All the way
All the way, lord
From up to heaven
He's a mighty good leader
All the way"

I GET LONESOME
"So glad to be a slab
Stiff as a stick on a board
I get thoughts and dirty socks
Piled in the corner

I get lonesome. . ."

I HAVE SEEN THE LAND BEYOND
"From the shores where we belong
I have seen the land beyond
Where the lord is strange and strong
I have seen the land beyond

There's no telling who'll be dead
When the pale horse is turning red.
And the tongues will burn in vain
And everything will feel the same"

OUTCOME
"Left for dead
Left for dead
Left for dead
Dead as a fly"

"Outcome is different that I expected"

CYANIDE BREATH MINT
"In the afternoon
Riding the scapegoat
Burning equipment
Decomposing
Cool off your jets
Take off your sweats
I got a funny feeling
They got plastic in the afterlife

When they want you to cry
Leap into the sky
When they suck your mind
Like a pigeon you'll fly
I know, I know
It's the positive people
Running from their time
Looking for some feeling"

SLEEPING BAG
"And the world is a holiday
Smoking in an old ashtray
They just blow it out their nose and say ok"

Blog Readin' Fool

I've been reading blogs more than posting this week. After missing out on a lot of the sickness that's been going around the past few weeks, I finally got hit. Stan, Noah and I all have a bad cold, complete with deep, rattling chest coughs and insane amounts of sinus pressure. It wipes me out and makes me feel sick to my stomach. Ich.

I hit Barnes & Noble last week and picked up Anne Lamott's new book: "Plan B: More Thoughts on Faith." It was just what the doctor ordered - new Anne Lamott! Yea!!! The downside was that most of the book was old articles from Salon.com that I had already read. But there was some new stuff, and a lot of stuff addressed forgiveness, which, as you know, I've been struggling with lately. I also bought her book "All New People" which I hadn't read yet. It was the first book of hers that I didn't really like. It didn't seem to have a plot and the characters were simply quilts made from old characters/material from her other books. That's the only real complaint I have about her writing. So much of it is stuff that she has published in other books. The same quotes, the same characters. In "ANP" she tries to mix it up a bit, but it didn't really work. She took parts of characters and gave them to other ones. So no one was really well rounded. It seemed like a rough draft of a book, not something that should have been published.

I bought a couple books from the $1 bin in the used section and they lasted me 2 days. So I've been reading a lot of blogs while I'm sitting on the couch, feeling lethargic and stuffy. Stan has Thursday and Friday off, which will be nice. We can take turns with Noah, which means a lot more rest for both of us. It's nice to have a hubby that shares house and kid stuff 50/50, even though he is also the breadwinner. I am a very lucky gal.

I'm off to take a hot bath and have some tea before bed. Later!

Health Party Scrapped Due To Sickness

Man, oh, man. we just can't catch a break. We're now down with chest colds and Nemy just went to get more antibiotics for her sinus infection. Poor Noah has a cough as deep and loud as his dad's. I know that "they" say that cold medicine doesn't work well for kids, but I think that just applies to decongestants and not cough suppresants. We tried the chewables and the liquids. He spits both of them out. We try to hold him down and squirt the liquid in his mouth. Once its in, if we can keep it in, he will lay there and gargle it for a few minutes vs. swallowing it. Just waiting for the opportunity to spit it out. He's nothing if not persistant.

So we bought the strips (like the dissolving breath strips) and the popsicles. The popsicles taste like medicine and the cold doesn't mask it enough so he won't eat them. The strips, however, are great. They also taste like crap, but they melt too fast for him to get them out of his mouth. We just wait until he has his mouth wide open and then sneak them in, perferably to the roof of his mouth. He tries to scrape it out, but it's gone before he can get to them. Huzzah!!! A medicine we can actually keep in him. I never thought the day would come. It does help with his cough, which helps with his sleeping.

Anyhow, that's where we're at now. Tired and sick. Hopefully this will run it's course quickly. I have a quiche in the oven with lots of onion, greens and garlic. And we've been eating a lot of fruit too. Anything to help our immune system. I guess this is the reaction to the first day of spring. Hopefully by the time summer arrives, we'll be well enough to enjoy it.

All for now. Peace out ya'll.

Happy Two Year Anniversary Iraq War!

I just can't believe that we are at war. There is not a huge feeling in this country that we are at war. At least, not to me, but then I have my Hubby at home with me and Noah is way too young to be drafted. When I think of the billions of dollars this country has spent, especially the 9 billion that has gone missing, I am infuriated. When I think of the hundreds of civilians killed and soldiers killed, I am heavy with saddness. When I think of the president doing this to make his buddies richer and get control of all that oil, I almost burst with anger.

And don't tell me it was for "weapons of mass destruction." They weren't there. They were never there. And don't tell me it was for "liberation." That's just the new focus of the day spit out by this administration. Democracy is a good thing. It's a good thing to happen to Iraq. But that's not why we went there. It's just justification for the horrors we inflicted on their country. And what ever happened to Bin Laden? I'm sure the families of the 9/11 victims are wondering how invading Iraq is supposed to make them feel better.

So we are now 400 billion dollars in the hole. To countries like China, who try to keep us solvent so we will keep buying their products. And the Bush administration is working hard to push the new budget through. Their new budget that is basically a loan application to other countries for more money. And the cuts? Yes, let's talk about the budget cuts. What was it that Bush kept saying was the answer to our weakened economy? Wasn't it education? People should get more education so they can find a job, right? Well, he is cutting the No Child Left Behind Act budget. No, not cutting, slashing. Slashing his little soapbox he stood on for the first election. Nice. Real nice. And Pell Grants. Can't leave those college students any help either!

What else is on the chopping block? Yup, you guessed it, Medicare. Time for those seniors to take on another job at Walmart. Yes, Walmart. One of the many companies that get tax breaks the poor, elderly and middle class can only dream of. The rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. And the crazy thing is that so many people don't seem worried about the state our country is in. They bitch about gas being $2.19 a gallon, but don't bitch about Bush's actions that have gotten us to this point. I just don't get it.

I remember when I graduated from college in 1995. The economy was booming and jobs were there for my taking. I started out temping and was making $14 an hour. It was easy to pit clients against each other since there were so many offers. Job hopping was the norm as well, since it was easier to step up to that next rung, or a better paying lateral move. Jump ahead 10 years and that situation is now a job seeker's wet dream. Jobs are fewer and temping means sacrificing pay to get a placement. The stock market and retirement funds are a scary thought for retirees, not a positive addition to your social security. Will I even have social security by the time I retire? Will I even live long enough to get it? What will the age be to start by the time I reach my golden years? 70? 75?

It's hard to stay positive. It's hard to be an American.

Updates

LITTLE MAN'S HEALTH
Well, Noah is still sick. He has a fever off and on and some stomach issues and body aches. Poor kid. He also has the worst case of gas I have ever smelled. I think the smell is finally gone though. Thank goodness. I'm not sure how much longer any of us could handle it! He's still lethargic for the most part, which is so weird. A two year old should not be laying on the couch watching TV. He should be bouncing off the walls and playing. Another day or two though, and hopefully he'll be 100% again.

JAZZ IS NOW SHOW
The show was incredible. Noah was on the upswing, but Stan wanted to stay home with him anyway. Stan isn't a huge fan of jazz, and I'm sure that figured into it as well. I went by myself and hung with Boot's family. It was a great show and Wessel Anderson was amazing! He blows you away and it seems so effortless on his part, and so full of emotion and soul. Yes, and warmth. Warm Daddy lives up to his name and I got a few hugs and kisses along the way. We took a sister picture with him to send to Nae in Hawaii. She'll be jealous she wasn't there to share in the event with us. I also schmoozed a bit and passed out some business cards. Which reminds me, I need to work on my website, tout suite!

FORGIVENESS
Well, I still am in the "thinking" stage on this one. It's going to take awhile before I can figure this one out. There seems to be a fine line between forgiveness and condoning. And there's always the human instinct of revenge worked in there as well.

Noah wants to "see Elmo" so I'm going to sign off now. Laters.

Attachment Parenting Gone Wrong. . .

I just read the main article in CityPages, "Safe Child Syndrome - Protecting Kids to Death." It talked about attachment parenting, and just plain ol' parenting, going too far. It reminded us that every parent does it, to some point or another, but that a lot of parents today are taking it way too far and how this limits your child's development.

It hit home with me, big time. I'm the mom who couldn't stand the thought of leaving Noah in a crib sleeping by himself at a couple months old. My anxiety levels of "what if?" were in overdrive and I couldn't sleep because I was listening to him breathe over the monitor, willing him to take that next breath, waiting for him to cry so I could channel my anxieties and actually do something.

I know that my little man is spoiled. I know that we give in way too much. I know that he's wearing the metaphorical pants around here most of the time. But we are getting better. We do try to keep him in line. And he is a good kid, He's very polite, he's very affectionate, and he's stubborn as hell. He can throw a tantrum and reach decibel levels unheard of by normal human children (he gets that lung capacity from me, thank you very much).

We also make sure he plays with other kids. No one can let you know you're not really the center of the universe like another two year old. And we give him room explore new toys and places. It's always tempting to jump in and show him how things are "supossed" to work, but he usually figures it out on his own, and sometimes even comes up with better ideas on his own. The overwhelming bordeom of parenting makes this even more difficult, but it's worth fighting.

I want him to be independent and have high esteem and confidence in himself and his abilities. I just have to remember to keep my sticky mitts off of the controls.

Boo-boo

Noah is sick again. He was clingy and sleepy this morning, which quickly moved into mega-crabbiness. After being up for two hours I finally put him down for a nap at 11AM. He alternated sleeping, nursing and cuddling with me for the next 2 hours, but didn't sleep very well.

At 1PM he wanted to get out of bed. I checked him temperature and it was 102.4. Poor kid. He kept crying and saying, "Ow, boo-boo!" but I couldn't get him to tell me anything specific. I assumed it was body aches. Almost an hour later I checked his temperature again and it was 104.8! YIKES!!! I called the nurse line and they said we should bring him in. I called Stan at work and he came right home. After he got here, we took his temp again and it was down to 102.9. We finally got him down for a nap and Stan decided to go back to work.

Noah woke up soon after Stan left and started crying again. Nonstop. For two hours. I called the nurse line again and they said even though his temperature was down we should bring him in because of the crying. The wait at urgent care was an hour and a half, so I called Stan and told him we would need to bring Noah in when he got home. I finally got Noah to sleep and he crashed until 6:30PM. He seemed a lot better so we decided not to bring him to Urgent Care. We're just going to hang in there and see what happens. It's 8:15 now and he's had spaghetti, some cheese, strawberries and blueberries.

Jeppa ran to the grocery store for us and got some pizzas at Papa Murphy's. It's good to have live in help. :]

So things are better now. Don't know if we'll be able to make the show tomorrow night at Illusion, but Noah is more important. I can take the disappointment.

All for now. Dinner should be ready soon. . .

Forgiveness

I was reading Anne Lamott's "Travelling Mercies - Some Thoughts on Faith" today. Skimming it and reading my favorite parts, when I came upon the chapter on forgiveness. I love this chapter. She tells about a mother to one of her son's friends. An "enemy lite" that she finally realized wasn't an enemy. She was projecting worries and fears on this woman because "it hurt too much to carry it herself." After she finally realized that she was being "mad as a hatter" she finally was able to let go and be healed. Or at least take a baby step in the right direction.

Well, I started thinking about the word "enemy" and it hit me. I have to forgive my enemies. Not just people who I project stuff on, or people who annoy me. My ENEMIES. People who have hurt me and hurt the people that I love. Deeply, deeply hurt. C.S. Lewis says, "If we really want to learn how to forgive, perhaps we had better start with something easier than the Gestapo."

Well, I have 3 "Gestapo Agents" that I will eventually have to forgive. If I want to experience love and forgiveness - from God, from others - I have to forgive these trully horrible people who were a part of my life. That's quite a tall order. Anne writes that "God is for giving and that we are here for giving too. And that to withhold love or blessings is to be completely delusional." that "Everywhere she turned there were helpful hints on loving one's enemies, on turning the other cheek, and on how doing that makes you look in a whole new direction." I long to be in that place. To have the clean feeling of forgiveness coursing through me and my eyes in a new direction.

She also writes, "There were admonitions about the self-destructiveness of not forgiving people, and reminders that this usually doesn't hurt other people as much as it hurts you. In fact, not forgiving is like drinking rat poison and then waiting for the rat to die." Well, that's where I'm at. Filled with rat poison and (self?) justified hate and anger staring at the rat(s) in my mind's eye and waiting for them to die. Horribly. Painfully.

I will have to process this for awhile. Put a note in God's in box for some celestial help. And maybe I should look for an "enemy lite." You know, for the practice. . .

Loong day

Man, two nights of Noah taking forever to go to sleep. He usually goes to sleep for us within 10-15 minutes, tops - not an hour. It just reinforces all the first time parent mistakes we made with him and sleeping. We were doing great on finally getting him to learn to go to sleep by himself, but then (dum, dum, dum!) sickness struck. Now we're back a few spaces. Not having to start over 100%, but it almost feels that way.

Today we went to the Northwoods Mall to play in their kids area with Ella and her mom. It was a lame play area. The theme is "breakfast" and they have big foamy breakfast things for the kids to climb on. Rosedale is better. I've heard the one at Brookdale is good too, but haven't checked it out yet. We took a picture of Noah with the Easter Bunny for the second year in a row. It's really cute.

After the mall it was nap time and then I had an outcall massage appointment in Inver Grove Heights. Got lost and with the traffic I was 45 minutes late. Yikes. She surprised me with a friend who wanted a massage too, so I didn't get home until almost 9 PM. But they were both fun and I enjoyed working with them. They complimented my massage skills too, which doesn't hurt. Buttering up your massage therapist is almost as good as a tip. Both are excellent. . .

I was exhausted and starving. Nemy had called asking for some nursing help, but unfortunately I wasn't home to help her. Poor thing has the flu back too. She just can't catch a break. Luckily Boot was already there taking care of her so I could stay home and eat. At midnight I finally handed stubborn Noah over to Stan and crashed. Ah sleep, how I love ya!

This weekend is "family weekend" except for the trip this afternoon to the car show that Jeppa and Stan are going to take. Ah. . . time to relax.

Later.

Oh, me achin' head!

Emotionally, things are better today. I wrote out all the bills we have and it made me feel better to know exactly where we were at. Stan and I decided to make a new budget this weekend, which will help us stay on track to meet our financial goals. It also helps to talk about it all with Stan. He keeps me grounded and reminds me that I'm not alone in this.

Physically, I feel worse. My sinuses are continuing to throw me for a loop. Headache, pressure, ugh. I've been steaming (with Tea Tree & Eucalyptis oil/Lavendar) and working on my pressure points and neck, but it's still hanging on and making me really tired. I used Sudafed on Saturday night, which only made me wired. Today I bought a new kind of sinus medicine at the co-op. Hopefully that will help. Along with the Traditional Medicinals Breathe Easy tea. It's my sinus staple. Stan and I have been going through it like crazy and we were out for a couple of days. :[

Stan forgot his lunch this morning, so Noah and I drove up to give it to him and say "hi." Noah was so excited to see him in the middle of the day. Then we hit the co-op and Noah got to use the mini-kid cart. He started shopping by himself right away, putting green and yellow peppers in the cart. He also put in a pizza and I kept all of it. He was just too darn cute to say no. I stocked up on tea and coffee and bubble bath for Noah.

We were going over to Nemy's tonight, but she's sick (again!) with a throat infection and a cold. Poor kid just can't catch a break. She's on antibiotics now and hoping to be well enough to hook up with us this weekend.

We got our tickets yesterday for the Jazz Is Now! show at Illusion Theater this Tuesday. Should be a good show. The City Pages A Listed it, so they're hoping that they sell out. Jeppa has Spring Break next week, so he's going to babysit when we hit the show and the post-party. Wow, a date night in the middle of the week. I feel positively 20ish again!

Nap time again and I'm ready for one!

Later.

Drip, drip, drip

Ugh. How did our bank account get so low? We got our taxes back and they are already spent. This always seems to happen. The recent car repair took over half of it and life has taken the rest. Hopefully we'll be able to cover Stan's final medical bills at the very least. Time to make a new budget, me thinks.

It's hard not to stress out about money (amoung other things). I try to remind myself that we've been through rough times before and we always end up fine. It also motivates me to work on expanding my clientelle. Working always puts me in a better mood. It's nice to be able to focus on massage, which I love, and not just on my wife and mama duties. The exercise is also great. I need to burn off the pounds I've put on in the last year.

Noah and I are having a productive day. We're (meaning I) are working on laundry and dishes. We have a few loads of both to do. Noah got his hand caught in the hall closet door when I was putting away towels. Thankfully, he's okay. No swelling or bruising, just lots of tears. It was a good reminder to slow down and notice more around me.

Ella is coming over to play this afternoon. She's Noah's best friend and quite a little cutie. At 2, she's 8 months younger than him, but they get along really well. It's a nice break for me since they pretty much entertain themselves and all I have to do is sit back and watch. Her mom is due with their new little one in 3 weeks. I'm excited for her and ready to help out if needed. It'll be an added bonus to our summer to have a really little one around. Easy for me to say since I can play with the baby and then go home with my toddler who sleeps through the night. :]

It's almost naptime here at the K's casa. Time for me to recoup and hopefully fit in some cardio. This gal needs to tone up for summer!

Adios! (Yes, we are watching Dora again.)

The Virgin Post

Wow, my first post. I've been reading friend's blogs for a bit and decided to finally join up. I kind of have a "late to the party" sort of feeling though. Like only the cheap drinks are left in the bottom of the cooler and all the food is gone. But hey, I can still have a good time, right?

All right, well, what's going on? Things are pretty good in our little corner of NE Mpls. We have a great house in a great 'hood. I live 10 minutes from downtown MPLS and can still take a walk late at night without worrying about my safety. And thanks to the parks and little shops around here I know people in the neighborhood and everyone says, "hello" when you're out walking. Very unique for MN. Kind of a small town in the big city kind of feeling. A lot of the neighbors know each other and we hook up for grilling and bonfires in the summer.

Summer! Man, am I looking forward to summer. Walking and biking to the parks and hanging at the Audobon Coffee Shop. Noah and I were cooped up too much this winter. Besides a small stint at ECFE and hooking up with friends a couple times a week, we've been stuck in the house for the most part. You can only do so much before cabin fever sets in. And two year olds have limitless amounts of energy. I swear he gets more every day. That kid can run circles around me. If only we could bottle and sell it, we'd finally be rich! Rich, I say!

As I already wrote, I stay home with our 2 1/2 year old son during the day and work evenings and/or weekends as a massage therapist. My website should be up soon: www.keathlymassage.com. Check it out! Stan works his 9-5 at Custom Guide as a flash programmer and enjoys his job and working with the High brothers. Our family also includes our friend Jeppa (as Little Man calls him) who has been living with us off and on as a roommate ever since Stan and I started dating, almost 7 years ago. Wow, time does sure fly.

Anyhow, that's the quick update. I'm sure I'll flesh things out later, both for myself and for whoever my readers might be, if any. I don't have a job to lose over this blog (see Dooce). But even so, I won't be writing things I wouldn't want everyone in the world to read, even those I despise. So go ahead, blurk if you wanna. You're not going to find anything I haven't already decided you may know about. I'm going to have some fun venting as I sit here on our couch, hanging with the laptop, watching Little Man watch 'Dora The Explorer.'