Jesse's New Lady Friend

Last night I watched Law and Order with Jesse and Sarah. Two whole episodes.

I was hoping to get some crocheting done, but the light I bought is so blue-lightish that using it in a dimly lit space with black yarn is freaking impossible. So I watched TV and made jokes with said company instead.

They put up with me through two episodes. I say that because they probably would have been nakid before the first one was over without my presence. Really. It's embarrassing, but most likely, probably in an alternate universe, or mine, true.

Really though, I like Sarah a whole heck of a lot (This is an understatement, but no need in freaking my "delicate flower"
Jesse out.) Saturday night we are double dating it. The agenda includes dinner and then hanging out. The most important part though: Noah will be staying over at Papa and Grandma's house. NICE.

Anyone want to help finish our floor? Hello? Bueller? Bueller?

About two years ago we put in a bamboo floor. There were some issues that we never really solved with the floor. For example:

• The transition pieces to the bedrooms, bathroom, linen closet and kitchen. (We just covered them all with rugs from Target. I know, we're classy.)
  
• Undercutting the door frames so the edges of the floor are tucked under neatly. (Right now there are gaps that would take about two ounces of wood putty to fill. Do you think anyone would notice it wasn't all wood?)
  
• Figuring out what to do for transition/molding pieces around the fireplace. (I'm voting for 1/2 round trim.)
  
• Nailing the 1/2 inch round trim to the molding. (We bought oak trim and then realized that it was too hard to nail through without drilling. This required a very small drill bit that kept breaking. The trim has been painted and cut to fit for two years, patiently waiting for attachment.)

Sunday Stan and I undercut the door frame to the first bedroom and recut the floor boards so they slide underneath. Then we put the transition piece in (with screws) and used wood putty to fill in a couple small areas. It looks good. We are down one rug, which is the awesome. Total time: 2 hours. Suck. One doorway down, three to go.

The kitchen will be more interesting. We may have to cut the subfloor in the kitchen to make it work. But we can do it. I have faith.

Tonight we are borrowing John and Reade's nail gun to affix the 1/2 inch trim in the living room. Hopefully after this weekend the living room, kitchen and hallway will be done.

Have any plans? Well, now you do. Come on over. We have a fridge practically spilling over with beer and lots of power tools. It's a combination you really don't want to miss.

Thanksgiving Pictoral

Ma Reade and Jesse cooking in the fantastic remodeled kitchen.

Noah and Stan color the Thanksgiving picture from the paper.

And finally. . . dinner!

Jesse's Comment on Driving Past an Old Friend's House

"I'm feeling 'not so fresh' so I thought I'd visit a douchebag."

I heart my Jesse.

What 80's Band am I, You Ask?

What band from the 80s are you?

You rule. in 15 years, you won't be as known as you are now, but most of the people that will know you then will like you (or else I'll beat them with a stick). You're nice to listen to.
Take this quiz!








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Christmas Comes Earlier Every Year

Driving past the Sunset Funeral Home yesterday I saw at least 40 Christmas wreaths by headstones. Really people, respect for the dead is great, but it's not even December yet. Couldn't you at least do a wooden wreath? Something with berries and leaves perhaps?

It actually warms my heart a bit to see all the Christmas wreaths at the cemetery around Christmas time. The mix of morbid and sad with holiday cheer hits me as just right somehow. But then February and March hit and all of the brown rotting wreaths dotting the cemetery turn into depressing icons of ignored rotting corpses that only get a visit once a year.

Not what I expected. . .

I thought the wedding dress of Katie Holmes would be breathtaking, classic, incredible. Instead it looks like something bought at David's Bridal off of the $99 rack. Look at the cheesy lace sleeve with the puffs of tulle that look like they were stuffed in there at the last moment.

The look on her face seems forced and her hair looks like it hadn't even been brushed before the veil was thrown on. My first thought was, "She flew in a hairdresser for this? I could have done better."

Oh well, considering her skeletal physique maybe she's just hungry. Or maybe she was reeling from a pre-wedding "clearing" session. Lord knows an e-meter will play some role in the honeymoon, and no, that is not a sexual euphemism. Poor Katie won't be getting any action from her gay husband unless he wants to spawn another child for the cult.

If only it was real . . .

it would, by far, be the best kid's book EVER.

Even more than Why Mommy is a Democrat.

Dora the ???

Wow. The Christmas parade of toys with sexual innuendos seems to start earlier every year.

One down, one to go.

I can't take the credit for it, but Jesse is off the market.

Haven't met her yet, but I like what I hear. I mean, the girl crochets for cripes' sake!!! How could I not like her?

Now we only have B left to hook up.

It's a good feeling when positive things happen to those you love.

This winter is going to be good.

Because an urn of ashes is so passe

Now you can make your loved one, pet or human, into a diamond.

Just Say No to Mom Blogs

I read seven Mom blogs every day.

Seven.

This is my "escape" every day.

It's nice that I can identify with women who are going through the same situation I am, but shit. I need to get the fuck out of my mind.

I am bored of my life.

I need a challenge from someone other than myself.

I was reading it in the bathtub and I still feel dirty.

Reade and John bought Stan "the sinner's guide to the EVANGELICAL RIGHT" by Robert Lanham for his birthday. It is a hilarious, as well as frightening read.

The opening chapter talks about James Dobson. I am overly familar with this man. When my parents were students at Bethany Fellowship "College" of Missions in Bloomington, MN his famous, "Dare to Discipline" book was the favorite of all the parents in the family dorms. At that time, Bethany manufactured the famous Bethany lefse grills and less famous lefse sticks. If you are not familar with making homeade lefse, the stick is long and almost paper thin. This was a popular spanking tool amoung the college family types. They were everywhere: the daycare, the church coat closet, the boiler room off the cafeteria. I remember the sharp "swish" of air sound they made before the contact with my young, tender bottom. Again, and again, and again.*

I have never read "Dare to Discipline" but they included quotes:

"My own mother hit me with a multiple of straps and buckles."
"[P]ain in a marvelous purifier. . . There is a muscle, lying snugly against the base of the neck. . . When firmly squeezed, it sends little messengers to the brain saying, "This hurts; avoid recurrence at all costs."
"I suggest (spanking with) a switch (a small, flexible twig from a tree) or a paddle. . . if it doesn't hurt, it doesn't motivate."

And people wonder why I don't talk to my parents anymore. Sad to say that this is just the teeny, tiny tip of the iceburg.

They also included "Rejected Titles for Dare to Discipline" as a spoonfull of sugar:

• A Dummy's Guide to Sticks, Spatulas, Belts, Switches, and Ping-Pong Paddles.
• Spare the Rod, Spoil the Demon Possessed Hellion
• Just Wait 'til Your Father Gets Home (He's Hungry, Overworked, and Ready to Kick Some Ass)
• Spanking the Fairy of of Him
• Paddle off the Pounds: The Spanker's Diet
• Everybody Hurts, Sometimes
• Speak Softly and Carry a Viny Switch
• Spank Liberally, Vote Conservatively
• If You Can't Beat 'Em, Give 'Em a Good Shaking
• Take That, You Godless Little Shit, Do you Want Another? DO YA?
• The Jesus Paddle

*I was 2 when my parents started school there and 5 when they were kicked out. Yes, kicked out of the group that condoned child abuse. I know, it's the crazy.

Come on, do we look like killers?

Tonight we went to a 1920's vineyard themed murder mystery party. We both were badass characters who had secrets. Stan assumed the identity of his deceased cellmate in prison and I had two dead husbands and a dead fiance to my name. Even with our histories, we were both found innocent of the murder this evening.

Stan and Lisa a.k.a. "Ralph Rottengrape and Tiny Bubbles"

Stan looks so freaking badass.

The food was excellent and the vino was flowing. It was a nice gathering, although weird to have it during the week vs. a weekend.

And now, this is Lisa transforming back to normal:

Cheesy headband off. Check.

Bobby pin removal in progress.

Sexy high heeled mary janes off. Check.

Jammers on.

Time to watch the election results and Nip/Tuck. Damn, but I wish I had naturally curly hair. It looks incredible.

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Frank Black rocks.

Jesse and I went to see Frank Black last weekend. There's been a ton of stuff he's released I haven't had a chance to listen to, but I enjoyed the show nonetheless, and even rocked out a bit.

The best parts were:

1. Running into my friend Shelly who I haven't seen for 5 years. Turns out she was trying to track me down, but I was unlisted. Yea for Shelly! I missed her mucho.
2. Comparing the band members to other people.
   

Bad pic to compare, but this Eric looks like a perfect old fat Eric Reichart. Seriously. It was hilarious.

Duane kinda sorta looks like Dylan Walsh from Nip/Tuck.
I told him this after the show and he said he'd check into it.
I think he's going to assume I just think he's super hot.
See below:

Dylan Walsh of Nip/Tuck

3. Grabbing a slice at Luce afterwards. It's been awhile.

The worst parts were:

1. The drunk LOUD and TALKATIVE guy behind us. No, Frank can't hear you, so stop talking. He tried to argue with Jesse after he asked him to quiet down, but shut up quickly when Jesse ignored him.
   
2. The short, fat, drunk chick who kept thrashing, I mean dancing, as if she had all the room in the world.
3. Her annoying pogo happy boyfriend who stepped on my foot. Thank goodness Jesse was there to protect me.

It was a good night followed by lots of sleep and a mellow Saturday. Life . . . it is good.

Sometimes. . .

we are too in love with our problems.

Although we agree that we should be rid of them, we are not entirely ready to let them go.

Yup. Uh huh. True dat.

Tattoo ideas for Jesse from the Suicide Girls

and pinupsfortroops.com

Sexy.

She's even got the cig.

She's Hot *and* she's holding a gun. Rwar.

Sexy pose lady.

Take out the Suicide Girls stuff and this rocks.

Okay, she kind of looks like a dude, but I like the glasses.

Decemberween is Coming. . .

And you should buy me this in XL (scroll down to bottom of page).

I AM GOING TO HAWAII!

Could also be titled: "I worked out for 3 hours yesterday" or "I did 400 situps. Beat that you motherfucker."

Now I just need to keep that momentum going. I am planning on alternating my annoying Denise Austin kickboxing DVD with my equally annoying callenetics (think extreme yoga/this is the one that asks you to do 400 situps) DVD.

I have 69 days until I arrive in Hawaii. I would like to increase my strength and stamina (Renee wants to go extreme hiking) and lose 10 pounds.

The gauntlet has been dropped. Time to kick ass.