To the 2008 Graduating Class of Northwestern College, my Alla Matter

First of all, let me say how honored I am to be speaking here today at Northwestern College. Seriously. I can't believe you can't get anyone better. I mean, really, you are a religious college and I haven't been to church in over ten years. You people must be desperate.
So, what I would say to the graduating class of 2008. Well, since I graduated in 1996 I have learned a lot that may help you on your journey in life. First off, let me assure you that I still believe in God. I play fast and loose with the term "God" but C.S. Lewis is still a revered writer in my book and I'm not just talking about the Narnia series and movies, although those are awesome.
Something I would like to impart is that so many professors, parents and pastors have and will tell you who and what God is. Don't listen to them. Listen to your heart. God doesn't kill. God doesn't take away basic human rights that everyone should have. In short, God doesn't play favorites. Political leaders will play with the term "God says" as well. They should not be listened to either. Religion and morality do not apply to politics - only law does. Please do not confuse what you believe is morally right with freedom.
Shame plays a big part in religion as well. If you are harming others, or yourself, you should be ashamed. But healthy living is not shameful. A healthy sex life is not shameful. Neither is drinking that is not done to excess. And card playing? Dancing? Mary Mother of God, have fun. Printed cards do not pave the way to hell. Neither does dancing or nicotine. Gamble your house away or pass out drunk when you're supposed to be babysitting and then we'll commence with the "you will never get into Heaven" smack down.
Attending a religious college has helped you avoid the sorority girl "I dated the fraternity" label. I mean, even wearing heavy eyeliner here is rebellious, so worse pitfalls have been avoided. Kudos to you! The extra 10K - 20K a year has kept you from venereal diseases and unwanted pregnancies. Just think, you could have been one of those chapel speakers crying about your aborted child, if you had attended the U of M.
I am proud of you. The Ex-Lax in the brownies trick will regale your friends for years to come at the Women's Support a Missionary League. I just hope your heart is in it. If not, be honest with yourself and your God, including who your God, who a trully just God is.
Thank you! Now that you all are graduates, you are freed from the Lifestyle Agreement and can drink alcohol, smoke and have premarital sex! The party starts at Dreamgirls (with free drinks from 9PM - 11Pm compliments of yours trully) and stops whenever you do! Good night Roseville, and God Bless!!!