I left my T-shirt in SanFrancisco. . .

I won't spill all the beans about our trip to "The City" but I can share a couple things.

First off: Noah flew the plane to SanFrancisco.


Stan got stoned for the first time in Haight Ashbury.

While Noah turned into a tiger (or were we tripping?)

Stan almost got killed at Fisherman's Wharf by a creepier-than-hell-mask-wearing, knife wielding maniac.


In 98% of all the pictures, Noah is channeling one of the bimbos from "The Price is Right."


And I turned 35.

The perfect summer drink

I am enjoying my G&T made with lime mineral water, lime and just a splash of gin. It would take about a dozen of these to equal a full shot of alcohol, so it's the perfect "I'm drinking, but not really drinking" summer drink.

Today was a doozie. I work tomorrow as well and need Sunday to finalize practically everything for the trip as well as get the house and puppy ready for our absence.

I have a lot to do. So, naturally, I am off to take a bath. I did just work 11 hours after all.

Also: Noah is watching a Scooby Doo episode with Scrappy Doo: the most annoying cartoon character of all time.

Not funny.

More cussing

In addition to "shitballs" I have expanded my vocabulary expediently with two more cuss words that bring me joy. I give you: fucktard (as in "they were fucked so hard, they were fucktard") and Jesus Christ Superstar.

I know, I am classy.

This one is for Jesse

I think I found the people you were with the other night.

Mediatemple?

And I think I really know just how the night ended.

Jesse?

My birthday tattoo.

I luvs it.

Ow

In the midst of learning how to play the game at work, I signed up for an extra shift. Okay at the time, but today is the day and I am dreading it. Extra money = good. Giving two 90 minute stone massages in a row = hellish.

Currently I am a walking billboard for someone who desperately needs to see a massage therapist. Thank all deities that Mark will be here tonight to work some of the pain out. If you hear screaming laced with swear words around 6PM tonight, that will be me.

Tattoo finalists

The bluebird on a barbed wire fence is out. Here are the finalists. The final product will probably be a version of the first picture.

Falling leaves. So pretty.

Fat bird with leaves and delicate branches.

I am so excited. I can't wait for my ink!

Live Journal

My live journal expired and was deleted. Please join me in a few seconds of silence in memory of what was. . .

Okay now that's over, what should my new livejournal/account name be? I am going to switch blogging sites so I can write some locked posts for my homies and write free of censoring so I can keep my job and friendships intact.

Your choices are:

• HoBag
• Bitchface
  
• Whore

Or you can come up with your own. That might be better. The most creative one wins the prize. Please don your thinking caps and come up with a doozie.

Books I read in March

Here are the wondrous books I read in March. Many of the authors I have read before, will read again, or both.

Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro
Object Lessons by Anna Quindlen
Sex and The City by Candace Bushnell
Cannery Row by John Steinbeck
Dog Behavior Answer Book by Arden Moore
Naked by David Sedaris
Mistress of the Art of Death by Ariana Franklin
Innocent Traitor by Allison Weir
Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs

23.5 YTD means I will most likely read about 80 books this year. Nice.

Roller Derby Family

I know they have Roller Girls, but how about Roller Dudes? Or Family Derby Teams? We are so competitive, there would be blood, you know there would. Stan would ruthlessly tease the kids while Noah would tell the moms they were fat. I would cut to the chase and kick the dad in the balls with my skates. Fouls would be flying everywhere. It would be awesome.

Noah on skates.

Anyway, Noah and I got roller skates today. He is following in the wheel tracks of his mama, that boy is. I hope he has many enjoyable hours skating to a selection of music that does not mainly focus (or even include) Christian Contemporary.

It is happening.

It's time for my birthday tattoo!

I will be at Kore's Tatu Shop on 4/15 at 10:30 AM. Feel free to come and watch!

I knew the previous post would have reprocussions.

Because now, I has snow.

Itz Spring!

These carpets are clean!!!

I have achieved step one in the dog house training process: clean all odors and stains from carpet.

There are some great recommendations on line. I used a mixture of dish detergent, hydrogen peroxide and baking soda. 416 ounces of hydrogen peroxide took care of my large upstairs bedroom. Yes, I know. That is so not good, it is actually BAD.

Next up is dealing with the puppers. Stuff like walking her daily, letting her out consistently, blah, blah, blah.

Wish us luck!

Ooh! I remember what I was going to say!

I have changed my favorite swearword. It is now "shitballs."

You may now go back to your regularly scheduled life.

Also: shitballs!

Things I realized

1. I don't look good in red.
2. Gay men can have anal sex face to face. I don't know why I thought they were only able to do it doggy style. Thanks for the visual, book.
3. You should never move a half-full fish tank. They are sedentary items.
4. Time does not make annoying people any less annoying.
5. Religious expert believes the resurrection was metaphorical. Damn interesting.
   

I swear there was more, but once I am out of the cave of a massage room, I tend to forget the epiphanies I had in the quiet solitude of rubbing a naked person's ass.

On that note, happy Easter!

Books I read in February

The count is at lucky #13 as of February 29th

1. Cesar's Way by Cesar Millan
2. Turtle Moon by Alice Hoffman
3. The Undomestic Goddess by Sophie Kinsella
4. Mister B. Gone by Clive Barker
5. The Winter of the World by Carol Ann Lee
6. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

March has 8 books logged already. I'm enjoying the reading, as well as the list making. Who knew keeping track of what you've read could be so enjoyable?

San Francisco, here we come!

In 2000, Stan got laid off a week before our first family vacation in Austin, Texas. The whole time he worried about money and was horribly depressed. Since then, the only trips we have undertaken are weekend camping and bed and breakfast getaways.

This year, though, we are off to San Francisco! I am looking forward to spending time with my boys as we experience the city and kick back for a few days. We will be there solo for four days and then Stan's mom and sister are joining us for the last four days of the trip. We will be visiting relatives in Santa Rosa and also hope to see some of the sites: Golden Gate Bridge, Alcatraz, Fisherman's Wharf and Chinatown as well as hit wine country and view some of the beautiful redwood forests.

It will be most awesome.

Any insider tips would be great! I'll even send you a postcard!

I got my first snarky blog comment!

I always wondered what I would feel like if I got smack comments on my blog. I didn't think it would happen, since only like three people read it and I know all of them. But, lo and behold, I got one!

Boy. I knew you were fairly egocentric - but didn't really get it until I read through a few of your blogs. Perhaps you might give a little thought to the idea that you are not the only one in your universe...there are others around you at home and at work.

Oh, I am chastised. My head, she is hanging low. Just kidding, I am amused. Obviously, someone doesn't like me. Boo-hoo! Someone is telling me that my blog, which is about me, is egocentric. At least they got the point. It's all about me, because it's my blog.

Next up in Lisa's blog: It's all Lisa, all the time!!!
Lisa's underwear drawer: updates for spring!
The latest drama as Lisa removes the dog pee smell from our carpet!
Lisa's continuing obsession with waxing.
Lisa's toe nail polish choices: should she go sheer or bold for vacation?
A hidden secret: Lisa and her struggles with going to the gym more than once a week. Possible intervention episode.
Keep coming back for your daily dose of LISA!!!

A little respite. Maybe.

Things at work are in flux. There is a possibility that my schedule may change. I am hoping to get one more night off to be home with the boys.

Also, I just put in a vacation request for our family San Francisco trip the first week of May. Keep your fingers crossed!!!

Reese, you dirty slut.

The pose makes me think something naughty is going on. When I read the caption, I was all, "Yeah, whatever!!!"

Here it is:
Reese Witherspoon models an Avon Empowerment Bracelet from a special seat – her own spot at the United Nations – during a news conference Tuesday to announce a partnership between Avon and the United Nations Development Fund for Women. "I think it is so important to make our daughters and our sisters and everyone whose lives we affect be aware that there are so many women without rights in this world," Witherspoon told PEOPLE at the event.

Seriously, I think she was telling us all to "Suck it!" and implying what whores and cheap ass product pushers Avon is. Besides, who stumps products at the UN? Avon is doing this for money and publicity. Hmm. . . maybe the gesture was for them. . .

Do not fuck with The Lisa

Last week I attempted to grab a piece of pizza from the dog and got bit. It punctured the skin a little, but didn't bleed. I kept up the good fight, not backing down, channeling the alpha, and won. I do love Davanni's pizza, but not enough to eat it after it's been in anyone else's mouth.

Anyhow, after that I have been ignoring the dog, giving her stern commands and basically putting her in her place. A few short moments ago I heard her chewing on something. A repeat performance, I went to her kennel and saw her chewing on aluminum foil. I told her, "No, drop it." in a calm deep voice and she immediately ran out of the kennel, leaving her treat behind for me to pick up.

Damn straight. I am bad ass.

Although I might need to tone it down a bit. Yesterday morning Noah said, "You get near my pancakes and I'm going to stick a fork in your neck." Ahh, Nickelodeon programing, with your pregnant teens and violent dialogue. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy that I am paying extra to give him such wholesome programming.

OMG Jimmy Kimmel

Have you heard? He's fucking Ben Affleck.

Of course, it's only because Sarah Silverman is fucking Matt Damon.

Wow. This really made my day. Except for one thing: The songs? Yup. They're stuck in my head.

One day my friends, one day.

If you are lucky, and very, very good, I will crochet you one of these. My friends, I present to you, the beard hat:

Or, if you are extra nice, the Dwarven Battle Bonnet!

Shrinking

Dude. I am so totally rockstar. You have no idea how awesome I am. Seriously.

Are you ready for this?

I now fit into size 14.

Amazing!

I went down a whole pants size. I have been wearing floppy loose fitting pants for awhile since I could not get it into my head that I actually am smaller. I weigh the same, so I would not even let myself try smaller pants. I was sure they wouldn't fit and I would be oh, so sad. Even though I could take off most of my size 16 pants without unzipping or unbuttoning them. Someone hit this girl over the head with a coconut. I mean, really.

I must have gained some muscle, but lost a little bit in the inches department.

I am motivated now, let me tell you!

SPOILER ALERT - Ruminations on LOST

Who are the Oceanic Six!?! I am guessing that there are more than six back. I mean, wouldn't Kate be in jail otherwise? Unless, given her survivor status, she was pardoned.

But, for now, I will list her as one of the six, since that is what is assumed.

1. Kate
2. Jack
3. Hurley

That leaves three more. My guess:

1. Claire (Aaron is there, but since he was in her uterus at the time doesn't count as a passenger)
2. Sun
3. Jin

Why?

• Desmond told Charlie he saw Claire and Aaron getting on a helicopter. That's why Charlie finally let himself die.
• Sun has to get off of the island so she and her baby will live. The only babies and mothers that have survived on the island are those that were conceived off of the island. So Jin and Sun need to go.
  

Other theories floating around:

• Michael is back this season. He is one of the six. Although I think he comes back dead and his was the funeral referred to in the last episode of season three that no one went to.
• Walt. If Michael comes back, Walt would be with him. Although he's always wanted to stay on the island. If Michael dies, there's really no one to stop him from that.
  
• Sawyer. Somehow I think he stays. No reasons, just a feeling. Although I think the, "I have to get back. He's waiting for me." that Kate refers to at the end of season three is their son. It's so obvious that Kate will be pregnant. The island makes everyone uber fertile.
• John Locke. Just because it would be the shocker to end all shockers.
• Hmm. . . Sayid? He does know how to fly a helicopter, after all.
  

UPDATE:
I just looked at a site that posts spoilers on LOST from people hanging around/working on the LOST set in Hawaii. (Sidenote: Renee & Dean you should be doing this on your days off!) According to them the Oceanic Six are:

1. Kate
2. Jack
3. Hurley
4. Sayid
5. Jin
6. Sun

The next episode will be about Sayid. So all of the "You will know #4 of the Oceanic Six" teasers are referring to him.

There are a lot more spoilers about LOST here. I haven't had time to read them all, but probably will. I don't mind spoiling my viewing. Especially since they might not be 100% true.

Project Runway (SPOILER ALERT)

If you want to look at all of the collections shown at Bryant Park, go here: http://www.wwd.com/fashionweek/fall2008. Use the menu on the right to choose "Project Runway" and you can see all of the collections.

My prediction: Christian will win. Not a big surprise.

My personal favorite: Chris. Now that is a big surprise. Unfortunately, I don't think he will make it to the top three. Even if he did, Christian's work would blow him out of the running. I still enjoyed his collection quite a bit though.

The worst: Sweet P. Not a big surprise here either. How did she make it this far!?!?!

Our car's rating is NC-17

We just got our license plates for our new car. We are so close to the best license plate ever, it's painful.

Our plate is: XXN-665

Weight Watchers (again)

It's sad to log on to sites I've used to lose weight in the past and find that I would have reached my goal long before now if I would have just stuck with it. Ah, regret. She is a good friend of mine. But no longer!

My goal has been to make it to the gym three times a week. I've made that goal once in the last month. On the positive side, I am in the gym at least once a week, every week. That, my friends, is progress.

Stan and I both want to lose weight and eat healthier. So I have rejoined Weight Watchers on line. SparkPeople is good, but I like Weight Watchers better. The points program is more motivating, since you get extra points to use when you are more active. Did an hour or two of intense, back breaking housework? Now you can have a cookie! To put it succinctly, it's just plain easier and more enjoyable to use.

I have three months until our tentative trip to California. I would like to lose 10 pounds.

Off to the gym! I'm going to earn myself a cookie!

Books I Read in January

I decided to keep track of all of the books I read this year. You know, for fun.

Here is my list of books I read (and finished) in January (in order of my favorites):

1. Fun Home (Tragicomic) by Alison Bechdel
2. Veronica Decides to Die by Paulo Coelho
3. Faceless Killers by Mankell Henning
4. A Long Way Gone by Ichmael Beah
5. I Capture The Castle by Dodie Smith (yeah! my dog's name is Dodie!)
6. I Am America (And So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert
7. The Lost by David Mendelsohn

It is February 4th and I have almost finished another book, so there is more book info. to come.

If you have a good book you have read lately, or a favorite you would like to recommend, please let me know!

I am working on a life time list of books I have read (to the best of my recollection) as well as a top 10 (or so) list for the end of the year.

My thanks this month to my amazing Mom, Reade, for a loan of all but one of the amazing books I read that are listed above. Thanks for introducing me to such amazing works!

At Fifteen Below Zero, Even The Dog Wears A Hat

Jacket: $12.99

Hat: $4.99
Shaming my dog for my own enjoyment: Priceless.

For god's sake, please get this off me.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. . .

I'm an auntie

Julia Rae

Since I am Minnesotan, it will be pronounced, "ANT-ie." No Southern drawing out of the first two syllables here, people.

Her name is Julia Rae. She is a tiny little 8 pound, 10 ounce bundle of cuteness you simply want to squeeze too hard and talk to in a high pitched voice. She is the only baby I have seen smile on the day she was born. Radiantly. Constantly. She is a peach of a girl. I think she looks like her dad.

"Ketchup"*

I have written a few blog posts in my head over the past week or so, but somehow they never ended up published here. I guess I need to work on my mental prowess.

So, let's bullet point this baby, shall we?

ON WORK

• I finally finished my training, thank all applicable deities. I can hang out Monday, Wednesday and Saturday nights. Sunday is wide open, also the day we usually like to crash and wear pajamas as much as possible.
  
• Two of my clients last week had their spouses die recently. It was creepy and made me want to hug Stan immediately.
• I have also had many good client stories to tell. Stan thinks I should write a book. I'm taking the suggestion seriously.
• My wrists and shoulders hurt like a son of a bitch. I need to work lighter.
  

ON LIFE

• We bought a new Honda Fit Sport. I suspect it is made out of candy, it is soooo sweet.

Yes, it is blue. The red and white stripes are on order.

• I finally started working out again! Hooray!!!
• It looks like we are hosting an Eller family gathering here on Sunday. The secret fact that our house smells like dog pee is going to be out. Oops, guess I blew it already.

ON THE BOY

• Noah has been very emotional and sentimental of late. He never, ever wants to turn 6. We read his baby book at least once a day.
  
• His favorite number is 138. He wants to do everything 138 times. He wants 138 of everything. Although he never wants to grow old (see above) he vehemently claims he is 138 years old.
• He likes to be called "Lord Noah" and calls me "Daisy Mom" when we play upper class fancy people. This usually occurs during bath time for some strange reason.
• He likes to use the word "pizzaz" as in, "Mom, that bed time story had no pizzaz."
  

That, in brief, should catch you up to date on my life. Today I have the day off and have so far slept, showered, watched TV and blogged. Now it is time to get pretty and get some cleaning done. I've got a lot of carpet shampooing to do!

*If you read this and automatically thought of the punch line from Pulp Fiction, you are the cooliest.

I drew the line at getting on all fours with no undies.

Because I do have some pride, although I know sometimes, you people wonder.

The estheticians in training were having a horrible time doing Brazilian waxing. Our illustrious teacher came to the rescue, but needed a model. Guess who was stupid, I mean, brave enough to volunteer?

That's right. I got myself a free waxing and all I had to do was let four ladies stare at my va-jay-jay for 15 minutes.

I guess since Stan grew a beard I felt I could lose my lady one, but it feels a little, I don't know, unprotected down there. I lost all the insulation. I will probably keep it to a bikini from now on, but at least I can say I tried it.

Oh, yeah, I was going to write about the pain. It was about as painful as my first bikini wax, except for the main triangle of hair on top. That hurt like HELL.

And the result is . . .

NEGATIVE!

Throwing up two mornings in a row convinced me I was preggers. Turns out it was just a weird case of PMS, or a two day allergy to coffee.

Although if Noah does have a sibling one day, he decided on names already:

"Pinky" for a girl and "Spider Man" for a boy. Good names, both of them.

2007 A Summary

What a year. It probably won't live in infamy, but meh, whatever, a lot happened to the Keathly family. Here are some highlights:

• Nemy and I flew to Hawaii to spend a sister's week with Renee.
• Renee and I got matching turtle tattoos.
• Jesse moved out - for the last time?
• Noah had his last year at ECFE in April. It ended with a program where Noah said he would be grown up at age 30 and wanted to be a builder of robots and sleep on the top bunk.
• Noah played summer T-ball.
• Stan and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. It's good, no it's great, to be Mrs. Keathly.
  
• Noah started all day kindergarten in September. Yes, I cried, but not in front of him.
• After 5 years of spotty employment, I have a full time job again.
• I had my first ride in an ambulance and it only cost $600!
• Noah got glasses. Looking back, we realize that he probably needed them at least 2 years ago.

In 2008 we hope to:

• Buy a new car - Honda Fit?
• Start going to the gym regularly.
• Visit Ken & Ingrid's family in Olympia, WA.
• Pay at least 50% of our debt off.
• Spend a lot of quality time together and with those we love.

Personally, I resolve to:

• Work out at the gym regularly.
• Read more on the elliptical than soaking in the tub.
• Organize and purge clutter from the house.
• Walk Dodi every day.
• Get to bed at a decent time.

I have a good feeling about this year.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm a New Yorker at Heart. Or an impatient asshole. Your pick.

I had 20 minutes for lunch on Friday (none on Saturday, but that is a whole different story). I went to Cafe Latte, but the line was four miles long. So I went across the street to their bastard child, Bread and Chocolate and the line was three people long. Hooray!

Then I realized that two of these people were in the giggly new flush of love. Shit. They were so busy ogling each other they didn't even look at the menu until it was their turn, which, goodness gracious, they thought was so cute! You could tell they were thinking, "the world, it can not intrude on special, wonderful us." After finally tearing their eyes away from each other long enough to order, they meandered to the register. To fondle. Not to pay. Good Lord, why would they do such a thing!?!

I got my food and stood waiting while they finally thought to pay. Then it was a fight of who would pay. Finally, after what seemed like hours, fucking god damn hours, he paid the cash while she dug in her purse for the exact change. After handing the money over, they locked eyes and smiled at their unity in a cash transaction.

It was so sweet I wanted to tear their heads off and dunk them in coffee, hot, scalding coffee.

So yes, my heart is black, but god damn it people, there is a moral here and that is "don't fuck with my lunch."

I think I just might be losing it.

"Hmm. . ." I wonder to myself, "do I smell the sharp, pungent aroma of dog pee, or is that just the coffee maker?"

"Do they smell the same?"

"Probably not."

"I think I'm just losing it."

Xmas card - Starring: The Keathlys, Jesse, Sarah and a special guest appearance by Melanie's hat!

Don't send a lame Holiday eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

No wonder he didn't like T-ball.

Noah got glasses today. He wished for them, so he could look like Daddy. I imagine that the evil eye fairy came in the middle of the night and with a swish-swish of her wand, took away some of his vision. Damn fairy.

It's also easier to blame the fairy than myself, especially when he failed the vision part of his pre-K screening almost two years ago. The teacher thought he could see but was just fooling around so I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. Bad Lisa. Very, very, bad Lisa.

My consolation? The kid looks damn good in his new glasses.

Hmm . . . I wonder how long I can milk mama's guilt on this one. . .

Damn, baby! I DO look good in glasses!!!

The bad news? He was diagnosed with nystagmus which is an "involuntary eye movement which usually results in some degree of visual loss." When he focuses on something while looking straight ahead you can see his eyes wiggle back and forth. He will tilt his head to the side and try to look out of the corner of his eye to make the wiggling stop. At this point we don't know what is causing it or what the degree is. They made a referral to a pediatric optomologist so we will know more after that appointment. All I really know is that it is frightening.

Holy Catch-up Batman.

This morning I spent two and a half hours paying bills, making appointments, filling out forms and in general, catching up on all the necessary chores that keep our lives humming along smoothly.

It's surprising how many things I take care of every day. No wonder I love hiding in the bathtub every night. There's bills to pay, appointments to organize, filters to change, animals to have groomed, people to feed. The list could be endless, especially with my vivid imagination.

I however, have prevailed. At least for today. My list of things to do is finished. I did everything on it, no matter how trivial.

Now I am off to clean the living room so Noah and I can put up the Christmas tree.

Yea for feeling accomplished and an evening of Christmas music and my zany child full of quirky antics to look forward to!

Crappy Thanksgiving

My week:

MONDAY 7:30 A.M.
Woke to the two main symptoms of the flu (you know what they are people, no need to get graphic). The neighbor walked Noah to school and picked him up. I spent the day in the bathroom and the closest soft horizontal surface to the toilet. I have never been so sick in my life.

MONDAY 11:45 P.M.
Horrific stomach cramps. So painful. COULD NOT BREATHE. Could not stop shaking. Took an ambulance to the hospital so they could pump me full of fluids and potassium.

TUESDAY
Missed an hour of training. No biggie. Started easting solid foods. Slept 3/4 of the day.

WEDNESDAY
Pushed myself to attend 3 hours of training in the morning. Big mistake. Body called, "Mutiny!' and I was back on the couch for the rest of the day. Oh yeah, and now Stan is sick too. Kind lady Sarah brings us sustenance.

THURSDAY
Sadness ensues. We cannot go to Thanksgiving. We had been looking forward to this day at Reade and John's house for weeks. Instead Stan and I sleep the day away while Jesse and Sarah bring Noah over to the feast. They brought us leftovers, but it wasn't the same.

FRIDAY
I call in sick to my 11 hour shift at work. Have option to cuddle in a corner for the Walker family Thanksgiving. Although I am tempted, since I am missing this, the most glorious of holidays, I am not up for it. Besides, there are two babies with wee immune systems who must be avoided. Noah might go to play with the cousins though.

Add to this that my other sisters are

1. Working on Thanksgiving over 1,000 miles away
2. Evicted and also sick
   

and this is truly a horrid holiday. Life, she is a bitch.

Having kids is the bestest thing ever to happen. Despite everything I have said to the opposite. Really. I like him very much.

I was reading Noah a story in his bed. He was cuddled up in his blanket, leaning against me.

Suddenly! The child was moving his foot around in the mound of blankets and exclaimed, "Mom! I found a secret tunnel!"

Children are most excellent. Especially mine.

OMG! Project Runway! Squeal!!!

I am so excited I could poop.

My guy

I just checked on Noah and Stan, who are both cuddled up asleep in bed, snoring. Noah looks like a miniature Stan, whose quiet snores even imitate his Dad. It's one of those warm and fuzzy moments of my life where I realize how lucky I am to have Noah, and most of all, to have Stan.

Stan and Noah the morning after our camping trip from H-E-L-L.
An hour earlier Stan was curled up in the backseat of the car, trying to sleep through a thunderstorm. Tired and sore, he still is up for coloring games with Noah at IHOP.

When I talk about Stan, I smile. I simply can't help it. I met him when I was 17. Seven years later we started dating. A year and 47 days after our first date, we were married.

Things weren't always roses and sunshine. There were stages. Like:

• Getting to know each other
  
• Yikes, this marriage thing is forever.
  
• Did I give up my freedom too young?
• Wow, his family is whacked.
• Man, oh man, my family is a freak show.
• Is is time for counseling?
• New baby colic time.
• Gee, it would be nice to have more money.

We have grown up together. We are still growing together. We have gone through a horrendous amount of extended family turmoil and came out mostly, if not completely, intact.

The life we have built together is a very good one. When we do have trials, we know that there is a loving, caring partner waiting at home to patch our wounds and empathize. I have never loved coming home more than after I married Stan.

Stan channeling Harry Potter through the cheesy glow in the dark Harry Potter glasses I got at the Barnes and Noble release party for the 7th book in the series. Not only does Stan love me, but he puts up with my incessant reading. The man is a saint.

Stan is 38 on Friday. I have gotten material gifts for him, but what I really want to give him is an excellent year full of fun, adventure and, most of all, love.

Happy Birthday to my one and only true love.

Jesus Vs. Republican Jeezus

My three day weekend.

Three days? Really? It seems more like one.

Friday night I was home at the ripe old time of 5:00 PM and I am off until Tuesday morning. This is a taste of what the 9-5, M-F types get. I like it. I don't like making only $8 during my two weeks of training, but whatcha gonna do?

Saturday I whisked Stan away to the Nicollet Island Inn for the night. It wasn't as glamorous or fun as I planned, but three days of taking care of a sick, over-emotional child will do that to you. It was all we could do to keep awake after dinner for the short walk to our room.

We were looking forward to a good night of uninterrupted sleep, but the Sleep Number bed we were trying out was uncomfortable. We hated it. Reade and John said it took some getting used to, but I believe a mattress should be comfy from the start.

Sarah and Jesse came to our rescue when Grandma Reade came down with a cold and babysat Noah for the night. In return for their kindness they got a boy hyped up on cold medicine and ribs for dinner. Not a fair trade in the least, but they still said yes.

In the morning I wanted to take them to Hell's Kitchen for breakfast. We arrived to find a 90 minute wait, so we ate at the Newsroom instead. The food was okay, but the service sucked.

Which brings us to today. A day for errands and hanging with the boy. Then it's back to the grind. No more Saturdays off for me!

Sigh.

Just in time for Halloween

A creepy pink eye.

I have the exact same symptoms I had last time: painful, swollen eyelid and pus oozing red/pink eyeball. Just like last time, it went into the second eye, but was not as bad.

In the middle of the night I broke out the old antibiotic eye drops in hopes that it would cure me so I could go to work (training) today. It didn't work. So this morning I was off to Urgent Care. I saw the same doctor, told him the same thing as last time and got completely different treatment. Last time he thought it was a bacterial infection. This time he thinks it's allergies.

What. The. Fuck?

Is it because I was struck down with pink eye for a second time? That's like changing treatment because someone got a second cold in their lifetime. He kept alluding to seasonal allergies, even though the last time I got pink eye it was in April. APRIL, Mr. Smarty McDoctorPants, not October.

I am frustrated. I am also still taking the old antibiotics even though it is verboten to do so. I figure it's okay since they don't expire until 2009. I am also grudgingly taking the allergy medicine and drops the doctor prescribed. So if it's bacterial or from allergies I should be covered. If it's viral it will just play itself out.

Damn, I hope I can go to training tomorrow. Today I can afford to miss the training since it was basically a review, but tomorrow I really need to go. Living one more day without knowing how to give an Aveda Carribean Body Wrap treatment is completely unacceptable!

You know you are a redneck if

You wear old underwear as a shirt. Talk about a commitment to recycling.


(Also my Halloween costume for next year. Aw, yeah.)

Apple Orchard Pumpkin Time

Last night Stan and I went to a Halloween Party. He was an Executioner and I was the big breasted slut that gets killed in every horror movie.

Today we switched into family mode and took Noah to the apple orchard and then the pumpkin farm.

He saw some big cement structures.

Then he turned into a tiger

and got eaten by a vampire.

Tonight is pumpkin carving and watching "The Littlest Vampire."

Halloween. It rocks.

Glam Guns for Girls

I have been waiting my whole life for this.

Jeannie vs. Carmella

Stan: "I just finished watching the Sopranos episode where Tony's girlfriend calls his wife and tells her that she's been shtupping her husband for years and he's now banging the one legged caretaker. Do you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of watching an old I Dream of Jeannie episode. You know how they were always stepping in the dog poop or doing something uncomfortable to watch. No matter how much you didn't want them to do it, you knew they would and you couldn't stop watching."

Lisa: "You do realize that you just compared the discomfort of watching the Sopranos to the discomfort of the zany antics on I Dream of Jeannie?"

Stan: "Yes."

Lisa: Uncontrollable laughter. "I love you."

You should have at least one in your home!

Wow. Watch and be amazed.

What up, yo?

Time keeps on tickin' and all that jazz.

Work is still slow, but I am hopeful that if I just hang on until November it will pick up.

I have been reading good books, taking a lot of HOT baths and simply love spending time with my boys.

This week has been hard with the sleeping, but I am resigned to stay up this morning and get some shit done around the house. Like blogging, which is very important.

I also need to get back to the gym, but will leave that until Monday. This week it's just not gonna happen. I hate the idea of going but love working out when I am there and feeling good about it afterwards.

Today I get to have lunch with Noah before I pull the 3 - 8 shift at work. There is nothing more entertaining than having lunch with 26 kindergarten kids. They are a ball of furious energy and they all want to talk to me, sit by me and play with me simultaneously. If you ever feel unwanted, this, my friends, is the cure.

So that's it. A post to catch you up and let you know I am still alive, if not kicking. After all, kicking at my age is indiscreet.

OMG The irony. . . the freakin' irony.

Today I worked a five hour shift. I only had one client. Which means I only got paid for one out of five hours. Yes, I get paid a lot. But what I do is strenuous. Seriously. Deep tissue massage hurts me while I make you feel better. Yes, that is irony. I love irony. I love it so much I should get a t-shirt or a tattoo. But in the hard knock reality the fact is that in helping people feel better I am putting myself in jeopardy.

I try to get sleep, eat right, use proper body mechanics, get regular massage myself (Fuck! God damn it! I forgot to call George and schedule my massage this week! FUCK!! GOD DAMN IT!!! SHIT!!!!)

The life of a care giver, healer, what ever you want to fucking call it, is paved with (right of BOOM!) mine fields. Our passion is to help others heal, or patch them up enough to heal themselves and/or others. It is as fucking strenuous as your counselor hearing your deep dark secret memories, because, let's face it mother fucker, if something is buried in your mind, it's buried in your muscle tissue memory and if I release it, you better fucking believe I will be able to help you deal with it.

Otherwise your body wouldn't have felt comfortable to let it go. I have a B.S. (no, it doesn't stand for Bull Shit, although sometimes I feel that might be more adequate of a designation. It stands for a Bachelor of Science in Psychology which I studied four hard, long, years for). I attract criers and I think it's because they know I can handle the emotional deluge they let loose in my therapy room. It's a safe place with an experienced, trained professional who will take what you give as par for the course and be nonjudgmental.

Damn. I love what I do.

This month is slow. It's hard since I started at a company I really love during their slow time (so there's not much payback for my efforts). But I honestly think the owner and the company's vibe match my own. I believe things will work out and I will be very happy with my job. So far, not bad, and the prognoses is excellent. So I'm holding out for the good stuff and loving what I've been able to do and experience so far.

Because they hate me.

Stan is playing with Noah in the only room in the house I occupy. He is currently blasting him with his "chocolate rain" ray. You can guess where that came from, right? I just showed Stan the original chocolate rain video because he read Jesse's post and was stumped about who Tay Zonday was.

Oh, thank the blessed universe, Stan realized his error and took the boy downstairs to watch some Woody Woodpecker cartoons. Yesterday at Target I bought the boy the complete collection for a mere $35. Three disks to rot his healthy little boy brain. 75 cartoons to occupy him so I don't have to parent and can crash with some alcohol and my own brain rotting activity. Like TV, ooh, I love TV. Or the internets. If the internets had a mouth I would kiss it. Hard, but not too hard.

Anyhow, to continue with this stream of consciousness post, wanna know what it's like having a job that pays commission? Some days you are booked solid with clients and make an obscene amount of money. Then the Fall season hits and for some reason the salon spa is dead. Serious tumbleweed time. I had one 90 minute massage today during my 8 hour shift. That's right. $69 for 8 hours of work. Blech.

I was bored. I finished a sweater I was crocheting for baby T (or "cube" as he is affectionately called), helped put stock away, read some magazines, got my legs waxed (YIKES) and wandered aimlessly through the chilly day.

No clients have booked with me for tomorrow. Yet. I am sending positive vibes to remedy the situation. Those rich Summit avenue types will all be getting mysteriously tense this evening and calling the salon spa for massage! Yes. It will happen.

I hope.

I didn't mean it that way.

While getting a massage, I've had clients say some things they don't really mean to be naughty, but since they are lying there naked, it's sometimes hard not to hear it that way.

Like:

"You can go a little deeper."

"Wow, you can really feel everything inside me."

"Mmmm . . . perfect pressure."

"You really know how to work slow and deep."

"I like it."

"Do you do men/women/kids?"

"I'm going to send my husband/wife/kid/friend to you. S/he'll love your touch."

Then there's the moaners and groaners. Stan sure misses hearing moans of pleasure coming from a room where his wife is massaging a naked man. Although usually it just made him laugh.

Yup. I've got me a great profession.

How quickly one can fuck up, without even trying.

Last week I started having lunch with Noah on Thursdays. He has to go to the after school program Thursdays and Fridays so this gives me a chance to see him and break up the monotony of being in the same building for 8 and 1/2 hours a day for the little sprite.

Last week all was rainbows and pink clouds raining hearts and candy. This week they got to the lunchroom early and all was doom, gloom and the seventh circle of a Scooby Doo cartoon where they are convinced that this time the monster is real and they are in mortal peril.

Noah had forgotten I was coming for lunch and had promised to bring pizza. He was in the lunch line, fighting back tears as he thought his mom had forgotten to pack him a lunch. In our world, not so big of a thing, but in the world of a kindergarten boy, it was Armageddon.

When we got to the table he crawled up on my lap and started bawling. He thought he lost his lunch and I would be mad. He also thought maybe I forgot to pack him one and why would I do that? Didn't I love him? Did he do something wrong?

By the end of lunch he was feeling better, but he still was clingy and that endured throughout recess and into their "R & R" time afterwards. I stayed, at his request for "just a little more time mommy . . . please don't leave yet mommy." We did puzzles and he stayed glued to my lap. Finally it was time for me to go and for Noah to join his class for circle time. I got a big hug and kiss and then my boy valiantly joined the others for four more hours at school.

You try and you try, but the best intentions can still make your kid cry.

Lisa Keathly: Massage Therapist

The new job is going well (so far).

I am super busy. This means lots of clients, money and sore muscles in about that order.

Being away from home so much is hard and Noah is not taking to the long days at school and Rec Plus very well. I hope once he gets used to it all will go smoothly.

I am off to shower and dress up for work. Yes, I actually wear something besides jeans now!

More on the job soon (but not too much, this is a public forum after all).

I did nothing and it was everything I thought it would be.

Today I celebrated my last official day of unemployment.

I got Noah ready for school, packed his lunch and dropped him off for the day.

Then I came home, let the dog out and went back to bed for four glorious wonderful hours.

After that I had lunch, watched TV, changed clothes and walked up to school to pick Noah up. Following our homecoming I visited with neighbors and enjoyed the beautiful weather.

Now I will make dinner, go to yoga and spend the night with my guys.

Today, I rested for tomorrow I work.

My next tattoo.

I have decided to get a tattoo of a bluebird to represent my Grandpa, who was very special to me.

He called his 1998 Oldsmobile Delta "the blue bird" and babied that big blue boat. Despite his love for that machine, he still allowed my older sister and I to learn to drive in it. I remember the car always smelled like him and he called Oldsmobiles "Osmobiles."

Here's some ideas:

I like the branches and berries on this one. It has a watercolor vibe, which is cool. The bird just needs more blue.

Maybe I should get one in flight? This one looks like it's about to run into barbed wire though.

I like the coloring of this one.

I like this one because the bird is sitting on a barbed wire fence, which reminds me of my Grandpa's farm. My grandpa loved watching the sun set so maybe the bird could be chilling on the wire, watching the sun set.

Ideas? Comments?

Noah's first day of kindergarten a.k.a. Please pass the tissues.

The boy loves to pose.

The boy also loves his new skull backpack.

He has his lunch and is ready for school!

Or a modeling career.

It's so easy it is to induce a full blown panic attack. Who knew!?!

Tonight was going to be all about getting Noah ready for school. Packing his bag, picking out his lunch items, deciding on a outfit, etc.

Instead we ended up at the stupid neighbor's house for an impromptu birthday party for their 6 year old.

We got back at bedtime and now I need to get Noah's things together, study for my massage licensing exam (which is at 10:30 AM tomorrow morning) and get a decent night's sleep.

Fuck that shit. Part one is done. Now I'm opening me a bottle of wine.

Good night, sweet in-home business, good-bye.

I have one appointment scheduled for this Saturday. After that, I am officially closing Keathly Massage.

I will be sending postcards out to my clients to let them know of the change. It will be sad for them, but I am nothing but excited. I start my new job next week doing massage at a salon/spa. They are reliably busy, so I will have a stable income. I will also have benefits.

I will be $90 vs. the $45 I was charging at home. If you don't mind paying the difference, great!

If you do mind, e-mail me and I will give you recommendations for a new therapist.

I take the St. Paul massage therapist licensing test on Thursday. I start working on Wednesday. Noah starts school tomorrow. Life is certainly changing, for good.

The Great MN Get Together

Sunday we went to the fair (last Sunday that is) and a great time was had by all. We have learned from experience, and Jesse would have been not only proud, but not annoyed in the slightest by our ways of partaking in the Fair experience.

FIRST LESSON: Use a park and ride close to home, not close to the Fair. Last year we had the unfortunate experience of thinking we were parking at a Park and Ride when actually we had joined up with some Saint's game fans. Then we went to three Park and Rides before finding one that wasn't full.

This year we parked near Broadway and Industrial Blvd. Not even 10 minutes later we were on a bus and shortly thereafter, at the Fair. It was smooth, like buttah.

Noah hanging at the Park and Ride in style, waiting for the bus.

We met up with friends right away and headed for the food building. We started with fries, gyros and cheese curds. All the Fair favorites were consumed that day, including cotton candy:

Noah, yet again in the stroller, getting a sugar rush. Note Daddy on the bench and the inflatable Scooby Doo we bought for him riding on top of the stroller.

Yes, that's right, we are on to LESSON NUMBER TWO: Have a Fair Agenda. Not only did we have an agenda, but we had a map (I can never get my bearings at the Fair or remember where things are). So we had a plan, and a route. This way we saw what we wanted to without all that nasty backtracking.

Besides the regular Fair merriment, Noah got to play with Avery, who he hadn't seen in awhile and missed very much. Outside of the DNR Building they got to run and chase each other around while we rested our tired old legs.

"I'm gonna get you!"

Then they proceeded to tie each other up in a very innocent, non-kinky fashion.

"Now that I have you, I will tie you up and keep you forever!"

The end of our Fair journey was flown solo. B felt ill, Wenda needed to get little Avery home early and Craig and Terrie voted for the Horticulture building over the Kidway. Noah went on a couple of rides and then asked me to ride with him on the Ferris Wheel and a scary looking ride called The Tugboat. Picture a scene from The Perfect Storm and you'll get the idea. It wasn't as bad as it looked though and Noah now has ammunition to use against me, "Ha, ha! You were scared!" He also asked for a picture next to a pirate ride.

"Grr! I'm a pirate!"

"No, really, it's just me, Noah!'

Seven hours and $100 later we went home. It's different going to the Fair now that we have to split our time between what Noah wants to do and what we want to do, but it was still fun. I didn't get to see all of the exhibits I wanted too, but I'll be damned if I spend more than one day a year at the Fair. After all, I have to start on my agenda for next year.