Mmmm . . . smoking.

A couple weeks ago I went to a Bachelorette Party for Courtney. I smoked a little over a half a pack of cigarettes. A HALF A PACK. People, what was I thinking? I am still coughing and hacking up crap from the resulting cold.

I looked up some information to help keep me from doing this ever again. Because logic always wins out when you're drinking.

WHEN YOU SMOKE:

Within a few seconds of your first puff, irritating gases (formaldehyde, ammonia and hydrogen sulphide) start to work on the sensitive membranes of your eyes, nose and throat.

As you puff away, you erode the natural cleansing process of the lungs. Your respiratory rate starts to increase, making your lungs work harder. The gases from the cigarette harm the tissues of the lungs and the airways. This causes you to cough up more mucous. The excess mucous is a breeding ground for bacteria and viruses, making you susceptible to colds, flu, bronchitis and other respiratory diseases (ergo: Lisa is deathly sick).

Farther down, inside your lungs, the smoke weakens the free-roving scavenger cells that remove foreign particles from the air sacs of the lungs.

From the moment the smoke reaches your lungs, your heart is forced to work harder. The heartbeat may increase by as much as 30 percent during the first 10 minutes of smoking.

While you are smoking, your blood pressure increases, putting more stress on heart and blood vessels.

When you smoke, carbon monoxide - the colourless, odourless, deadly gas present in car exhaust - passes immediately into your bloodstream. Carbon monoxide binds to the oxygen receptor sites (haemoglobin) and "kicks out" the oxygen molecules in your red blood cells.

Haemoglobin - the protein that feeds oxygen to organs and cells - binds itself preferentially to the carbon monoxide and can no longer carry oxygen. This means that less oxygen reaches your brain and vital organs. Your body cells need oxygen for energy so your energy levels are reduced.

After approximately 10 seconds of lighting up, nicotine has been absorbed from the lungs into the bloodstream and has been transported to the brain. It stimulates the central nervous system, increasing the heart beat rate and blood pressure: raising the heart's oxygen requirement (So it increases demand while decreasing the amount of oxygen. Nice).

If this doesn't help, somebody just cut off my index fingers so I can't hold the cigarette. That would be much appreciated.

Happy Anniversary!

Thanks to Mama Reade and Papa John, we had a fantastic anniversary. They took Noah for 24 hours starting at 3:00 PM on Saturday. Noah was practically pushing us out the door, yelling, "Goodbye!" over and over again so we would just get the hell out already.

We went shopping for some adult entertainment and then were off to our hotel room. As promised, I immediately started filling the cheesy 80's wine colored jacuzzi for a nice, relaxing soak. Our room at LiveInn Suites was a party room: two TV's, two king sized beds and a jacuzzi. All for $95. I could just picture the beer parties. As a matter of fact, I still think I smelled them a little bit too.

We had dinner at Kincaid's in St. Paul. Amazing service and great food. We spent three cents over our gift certificate. Awesome. I had the rock salt roasted beef. Anything + salt = yummy for Lisa. Stan had the halibut cheeks. Hee, hee, cheeks. . .

After breakfast at Dunn Brothers on Sunday we were off to pick up Noah. As soon as he saw us he got mad and started pouting. Grandma Reade and Papa John had done so well that Noah didn't want to leave. After a half hour, he finally acknowledged our presence. A little while longer and he said he would go home with us, as long as he could come back to Grandma's SOON.

Now, back to reality. A messy house and a National Night Out BBQ to pull off in two days. Even so, it's nice to be home with my guys.

Hmm . . .

$320 for a split queen box spring.

Do I really need the ol' box spring? Or would sheets of plywood do the trick?

I love the new bedroom upstairs but hate the unyeilding bitch of a stairway.

I Didn't Know You Could Do That With A Penis

"Noah, honey, please don't pull out your foreskin and pinch the end shut when you pee."

"But Mom, it makes a penis balloon."

"Yes. It does. Call me crazy, but I don't like balloons filled with urine."

R.I.P. Chirpy

Saturday afternoon: baby bird #3 on the deck. We managed to keep him alive for two days but forgot to take him out of the direct sun so he died.

Oh well, at least Jr. is still safe at the Wildlife Rehabilitation Center. We did our part to keep one alive this summer.

I would have driven Chirpy to the WRC as well, but life got in the way. Water pouring through ceilings, digital phone and internet down and $860 in plumbing bills plus $250 for a new vanity will do that to a girl.

Even so, I won't be surprised if I hear a chirping ghostly voice in the middle of the night. . .

The Continuing Saga of the House Sparrow

The first sign of the house sparrows nesting on top of our roof was the little blue eggs smashed on the deck. We realized that they had rolled down the roof, vaulted off of the gutter guard like an old school homemade skateboard ramp and ended up pulverized smack dab in front of the sliding glass door. Perfectly positioned for us to step on.

The second sign was a baby bird that made the same perillous journey with the same results. It made it out of the egg just in time to get pushed out of the nest and take it's one and only swan dive to earth. It was Noah's first animal funeral. We introduced the idea of "bird heaven." I don't know what he thinks of that idea, but since I don't even know if I believe religion anymore, we'll save that for another post.

The horny little birds got another batch of babies hatched last week. Proof positive: the baby bird on our deck. This time it was alive. I called the Wildlife Rescue Center in St. Paul and they told me to bring it on in. I put in in a shoe box lined with napkins and placed the box under our plant light so it would stay warm. Stan and Jesse saw it before I left. Stan, ever the optomist, said, "They'll probably just flush it." But low and behold, they put the little chirping ball of skin in a tiny nest in an incubator. In 2-3 weeks they'll let us know if it made it, and they even hold release parties so people can see the animals they saved scurry back into nature.

I don't know if we'll go so far as to attend Jr.'s release party, but it is nice to be able to change the subject to bird #2 when Noah asks, yet again, if we can dig up the bird to make sure it's dead and not just sleeping.

NOAH'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!

It was almost a month ago, but here's the pics from Noah's birthday party. Stan and I made the cake. It took a lot of time to decorate, but we think it turned out pretty well.


And Noah got his long awaited Spider Man costume from Grandma Nancy.


He was a very happy boy at the end of the day. Next is the big "5"!

I Heart The Internets

14 days apart was torture. I will never leave you alone again. I hearts you internets.

Jesse's 15 Minutes of Fame

Jesse was part of a story in the Strib.

He's so cool.

What Should We Get Noah For His Birthday?

The Little Tikes Jump N' Slide for $230:Or the Step 2 Naturally Playful Woodland Climber for $240:
Record your votes in the comments!

Trully a Sign of the Apocolypse

I saw two women pushing a stroller down St. Anthony Blvd. last night. As a "cute baby alert" flashed through my brain, I saw that they were actually out walking their cat. In a stroller. Yup. They were exposing their housecat to the outside world via a $90 stroller. I still can't think of it without shuddering. They probably have daycare for the cat too. And a provision in their will. Creeeepy.

Bwuuucaci

If you don't watch LOST, or if you didn't watch the last episode of the 2nd Season, so not read this blog entry.

OMFG.

Michael knew that they would suspect them, so he led them somewhere else.

Eko was locked out of the hatch by John and Desmond.

Sun and Jin helped Sayid sail the boat to the deserted habitat of "the others."

Umm, and then "Bwa? What the?" And "God Fucking Damn we have to wait until LATE FALL to see the next episode.

I trully am LOST.

The Man

At the Alden Square garage sale last weekend, Noah introduced himself as "the man". As in, "my parents are such push-overs I am the man of the house." Uh-oh. Time to start using that discipline thing again. And yes Jesse, we HAVE TO used it in the past. Really. I think.

My surley (almost) 4 year old.

My Birthday Kicked Ass

After consuming lots of tequila:

And bunny cake:

I'm very surprised that we didn't find someone passed out by the firebowl in the morning. And yes, by "someone" I mean me.

Thanks to all for coming over and hanging out with me on my palindrome birthday. I won't have another one until I'm 44 after all. And a special "thanks" to Jacquie for the bunny cake and to Grandma Reade for entertaining Noah.

Happy Mother's Day

Wow. What a picture. It's so beautiful.

This baby has woken her up every 2 -4 hours around the clock to suck on her and keep her from getting the sleep she so desperately needs. This baby has probably woken up after only 20 minutes of sleep happy and wanting her to amuse him, despite the fact that she hasn't had more than two hours sleep in the last 17 hours.

The miracle is that she doesn't beat the living shit out of this child. The miracle is that, after all of this, she still looks at the baby with love and admiration.

That is what being a mom is all about. Your kids will push you to the edge. They will dare to treat you like shit more than any other person in the world. And in return you look at them with love and admiration for the person they have become.

That, my friends, is a mom. And that is why we get mother's day.

I got to sleep in, eat food I didn't make and have my husband (my wonderful hushand) put my son to bed for me. Thanks, Stan, for giving me a day off and letting me know how much my boys think of me and love me.

Happy Mom's day . . . to me.

I Will Miss My Jesse

It is 12:30 on Saturday night. Stan, Jesse and I are hanging out. Stan is being the "backseat driver" as Jesse plays Riddick. A couple minutes ago Stan, the pacifist father of one said: "You should just shiv this guy. Have you gotten rid of the shiv? You could just twist his neck since you don't have a weapon, or maybe use a screwdriver."

Sitting here on the couch with the two of them reminds me of when Stan and I were dating and he and Jesse would be on their computers programming things that I still can't understand. With Stan, I had finally found the guy that made my best friend his best friend. Actually, he made him his brother. Jesse is family He is our brother, our son, our best friend.

We will miss him in far out Anoka land.

T-shirts I Need for my Birthday

Brendan Benson Ladies T L

Teen Girl's Squad Ladies T XL

Penny Arcade Shirt Ladies T XL

Salt T Men's L

Cinco de Mayo, I mean Lisa.
Friday night, May 5th, 7 PM.
The Keathly's house.
Pizza, alcohol and a bunny cake (thanks Jacquie!!).
Y'all are invited.
Presents a must.

How the Keathly Family "does" Easter

It was fun to host for the holidays. We had it all.

Smoking
(Aunt Nemy hiding Easter eggs with a cig hanging from the side of her mouth was priceless.)

Drinking
(5 bottles of wine and a case of beer consumed by 10 people.)

Family
('nuff said)

Family Drama
(Not really.)

And awesome highlights.
(I did them myself!)

Best of all though, was Noah.

What an awesome way to welcome spring!

B&B&B

Stan and I escaped from our kid and responsibilities last weekend and were well cared for at the Round Barn Farm B&B&B in Red Wing, MN. It was our first vacation in five years. Five years, people! That is a long time.

A short summary:

1. The B&B&B is too close to the train tracks, otherwise everything was perfect. You'd love it. Just wear the recommended earplugs to bed.
2. Antique stores = Pricey junk. Shop at Goodwill instead.
   
3. The Port Restaurant in The St James Hotel was horrible. All the reviews lie.
   
4. We had better food at The Liberty Diner and spent 75% less for it. The special of the day was wild rice hotdish. Excellent.
   

We came home to a crabby kid and a broken car. Huzzah!

Blizzard Shmizzard

Who would I drive to the airport in near-blizzard conditions with my most precious 3 year old cargo in tow? Jesse & Jacquie, that's who. I didn't realize just how bad it was until I was walking out to the car in almost a foot of snow with more coming down and a wicked wind blowing through my coat and sweater. It was a 2 1/2 hour round trip, but I made it safe and sound.

Here's the fun things I saw:

35W South: A car that had slid and snapped off it's rear axle. Tough break.

The intersection before Lyndale & Franklin: A Sysco Foods Semi hit a street signal light head on and dented in the middle of it's hood. I was surprised that the pole hadn't bent instead. Most of the lights in the Uptown area were out. I had left the freeway to get some gas and then hopped back on.

35W North exit off of 94 East: A car was facing me as I approached the exit. Everyone else was blocking them from making a U-Turn so I stopped and let them escape. Must have been a fun spin out.

Hennepin & Stinson: A guy trying to shovel out his car in a suit and dress jacket. He looked cold.

Stinson and 35W: Stinson was blocked off by cop cars and barricades. Don't know why. Lights out here too.

Stinson near Saint Anthony Parkway: A HOM Furniture delivery truck was stuck and blocking the road. One guy was trying to push the almost semi sized truck. Now that's gumption!.

There were also cars stuck in snowdrifts, fishtailing, swerving, sliding and spinning like crazy.

I was so relieved to make it home I almost kissed the floor. Instead I went out and shoveled. Now it's time for a roaring fire and some hot tea.

Keep safe out there.