At Fifteen Below Zero, Even The Dog Wears A Hat

Jacket: $12.99

Hat: $4.99
Shaming my dog for my own enjoyment: Priceless.

For god's sake, please get this off me.

I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay. . .

I'm an auntie

Julia Rae

Since I am Minnesotan, it will be pronounced, "ANT-ie." No Southern drawing out of the first two syllables here, people.

Her name is Julia Rae. She is a tiny little 8 pound, 10 ounce bundle of cuteness you simply want to squeeze too hard and talk to in a high pitched voice. She is the only baby I have seen smile on the day she was born. Radiantly. Constantly. She is a peach of a girl. I think she looks like her dad.

"Ketchup"*

I have written a few blog posts in my head over the past week or so, but somehow they never ended up published here. I guess I need to work on my mental prowess.

So, let's bullet point this baby, shall we?

ON WORK

• I finally finished my training, thank all applicable deities. I can hang out Monday, Wednesday and Saturday nights. Sunday is wide open, also the day we usually like to crash and wear pajamas as much as possible.
  
• Two of my clients last week had their spouses die recently. It was creepy and made me want to hug Stan immediately.
• I have also had many good client stories to tell. Stan thinks I should write a book. I'm taking the suggestion seriously.
• My wrists and shoulders hurt like a son of a bitch. I need to work lighter.
  

ON LIFE

• We bought a new Honda Fit Sport. I suspect it is made out of candy, it is soooo sweet.

Yes, it is blue. The red and white stripes are on order.

• I finally started working out again! Hooray!!!
• It looks like we are hosting an Eller family gathering here on Sunday. The secret fact that our house smells like dog pee is going to be out. Oops, guess I blew it already.

ON THE BOY

• Noah has been very emotional and sentimental of late. He never, ever wants to turn 6. We read his baby book at least once a day.
  
• His favorite number is 138. He wants to do everything 138 times. He wants 138 of everything. Although he never wants to grow old (see above) he vehemently claims he is 138 years old.
• He likes to be called "Lord Noah" and calls me "Daisy Mom" when we play upper class fancy people. This usually occurs during bath time for some strange reason.
• He likes to use the word "pizzaz" as in, "Mom, that bed time story had no pizzaz."
  

That, in brief, should catch you up to date on my life. Today I have the day off and have so far slept, showered, watched TV and blogged. Now it is time to get pretty and get some cleaning done. I've got a lot of carpet shampooing to do!

*If you read this and automatically thought of the punch line from Pulp Fiction, you are the cooliest.

I drew the line at getting on all fours with no undies.

Because I do have some pride, although I know sometimes, you people wonder.

The estheticians in training were having a horrible time doing Brazilian waxing. Our illustrious teacher came to the rescue, but needed a model. Guess who was stupid, I mean, brave enough to volunteer?

That's right. I got myself a free waxing and all I had to do was let four ladies stare at my va-jay-jay for 15 minutes.

I guess since Stan grew a beard I felt I could lose my lady one, but it feels a little, I don't know, unprotected down there. I lost all the insulation. I will probably keep it to a bikini from now on, but at least I can say I tried it.

Oh, yeah, I was going to write about the pain. It was about as painful as my first bikini wax, except for the main triangle of hair on top. That hurt like HELL.

And the result is . . .

NEGATIVE!

Throwing up two mornings in a row convinced me I was preggers. Turns out it was just a weird case of PMS, or a two day allergy to coffee.

Although if Noah does have a sibling one day, he decided on names already:

"Pinky" for a girl and "Spider Man" for a boy. Good names, both of them.

2007 A Summary

What a year. It probably won't live in infamy, but meh, whatever, a lot happened to the Keathly family. Here are some highlights:

• Nemy and I flew to Hawaii to spend a sister's week with Renee.
• Renee and I got matching turtle tattoos.
• Jesse moved out - for the last time?
• Noah had his last year at ECFE in April. It ended with a program where Noah said he would be grown up at age 30 and wanted to be a builder of robots and sleep on the top bunk.
• Noah played summer T-ball.
• Stan and I celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. It's good, no it's great, to be Mrs. Keathly.
  
• Noah started all day kindergarten in September. Yes, I cried, but not in front of him.
• After 5 years of spotty employment, I have a full time job again.
• I had my first ride in an ambulance and it only cost $600!
• Noah got glasses. Looking back, we realize that he probably needed them at least 2 years ago.

In 2008 we hope to:

• Buy a new car - Honda Fit?
• Start going to the gym regularly.
• Visit Ken & Ingrid's family in Olympia, WA.
• Pay at least 50% of our debt off.
• Spend a lot of quality time together and with those we love.

Personally, I resolve to:

• Work out at the gym regularly.
• Read more on the elliptical than soaking in the tub.
• Organize and purge clutter from the house.
• Walk Dodi every day.
• Get to bed at a decent time.

I have a good feeling about this year.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm a New Yorker at Heart. Or an impatient asshole. Your pick.

I had 20 minutes for lunch on Friday (none on Saturday, but that is a whole different story). I went to Cafe Latte, but the line was four miles long. So I went across the street to their bastard child, Bread and Chocolate and the line was three people long. Hooray!

Then I realized that two of these people were in the giggly new flush of love. Shit. They were so busy ogling each other they didn't even look at the menu until it was their turn, which, goodness gracious, they thought was so cute! You could tell they were thinking, "the world, it can not intrude on special, wonderful us." After finally tearing their eyes away from each other long enough to order, they meandered to the register. To fondle. Not to pay. Good Lord, why would they do such a thing!?!

I got my food and stood waiting while they finally thought to pay. Then it was a fight of who would pay. Finally, after what seemed like hours, fucking god damn hours, he paid the cash while she dug in her purse for the exact change. After handing the money over, they locked eyes and smiled at their unity in a cash transaction.

It was so sweet I wanted to tear their heads off and dunk them in coffee, hot, scalding coffee.

So yes, my heart is black, but god damn it people, there is a moral here and that is "don't fuck with my lunch."

I think I just might be losing it.

"Hmm. . ." I wonder to myself, "do I smell the sharp, pungent aroma of dog pee, or is that just the coffee maker?"

"Do they smell the same?"

"Probably not."

"I think I'm just losing it."

Xmas card - Starring: The Keathlys, Jesse, Sarah and a special guest appearance by Melanie's hat!

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No wonder he didn't like T-ball.

Noah got glasses today. He wished for them, so he could look like Daddy. I imagine that the evil eye fairy came in the middle of the night and with a swish-swish of her wand, took away some of his vision. Damn fairy.

It's also easier to blame the fairy than myself, especially when he failed the vision part of his pre-K screening almost two years ago. The teacher thought he could see but was just fooling around so I didn't pay a whole lot of attention to it. Bad Lisa. Very, very, bad Lisa.

My consolation? The kid looks damn good in his new glasses.

Hmm . . . I wonder how long I can milk mama's guilt on this one. . .

Damn, baby! I DO look good in glasses!!!

The bad news? He was diagnosed with nystagmus which is an "involuntary eye movement which usually results in some degree of visual loss." When he focuses on something while looking straight ahead you can see his eyes wiggle back and forth. He will tilt his head to the side and try to look out of the corner of his eye to make the wiggling stop. At this point we don't know what is causing it or what the degree is. They made a referral to a pediatric optomologist so we will know more after that appointment. All I really know is that it is frightening.

Holy Catch-up Batman.

This morning I spent two and a half hours paying bills, making appointments, filling out forms and in general, catching up on all the necessary chores that keep our lives humming along smoothly.

It's surprising how many things I take care of every day. No wonder I love hiding in the bathtub every night. There's bills to pay, appointments to organize, filters to change, animals to have groomed, people to feed. The list could be endless, especially with my vivid imagination.

I however, have prevailed. At least for today. My list of things to do is finished. I did everything on it, no matter how trivial.

Now I am off to clean the living room so Noah and I can put up the Christmas tree.

Yea for feeling accomplished and an evening of Christmas music and my zany child full of quirky antics to look forward to!

Crappy Thanksgiving

My week:

MONDAY 7:30 A.M.
Woke to the two main symptoms of the flu (you know what they are people, no need to get graphic). The neighbor walked Noah to school and picked him up. I spent the day in the bathroom and the closest soft horizontal surface to the toilet. I have never been so sick in my life.

MONDAY 11:45 P.M.
Horrific stomach cramps. So painful. COULD NOT BREATHE. Could not stop shaking. Took an ambulance to the hospital so they could pump me full of fluids and potassium.

TUESDAY
Missed an hour of training. No biggie. Started easting solid foods. Slept 3/4 of the day.

WEDNESDAY
Pushed myself to attend 3 hours of training in the morning. Big mistake. Body called, "Mutiny!' and I was back on the couch for the rest of the day. Oh yeah, and now Stan is sick too. Kind lady Sarah brings us sustenance.

THURSDAY
Sadness ensues. We cannot go to Thanksgiving. We had been looking forward to this day at Reade and John's house for weeks. Instead Stan and I sleep the day away while Jesse and Sarah bring Noah over to the feast. They brought us leftovers, but it wasn't the same.

FRIDAY
I call in sick to my 11 hour shift at work. Have option to cuddle in a corner for the Walker family Thanksgiving. Although I am tempted, since I am missing this, the most glorious of holidays, I am not up for it. Besides, there are two babies with wee immune systems who must be avoided. Noah might go to play with the cousins though.

Add to this that my other sisters are

1. Working on Thanksgiving over 1,000 miles away
2. Evicted and also sick
   

and this is truly a horrid holiday. Life, she is a bitch.

Having kids is the bestest thing ever to happen. Despite everything I have said to the opposite. Really. I like him very much.

I was reading Noah a story in his bed. He was cuddled up in his blanket, leaning against me.

Suddenly! The child was moving his foot around in the mound of blankets and exclaimed, "Mom! I found a secret tunnel!"

Children are most excellent. Especially mine.

OMG! Project Runway! Squeal!!!

I am so excited I could poop.

My guy

I just checked on Noah and Stan, who are both cuddled up asleep in bed, snoring. Noah looks like a miniature Stan, whose quiet snores even imitate his Dad. It's one of those warm and fuzzy moments of my life where I realize how lucky I am to have Noah, and most of all, to have Stan.

Stan and Noah the morning after our camping trip from H-E-L-L.
An hour earlier Stan was curled up in the backseat of the car, trying to sleep through a thunderstorm. Tired and sore, he still is up for coloring games with Noah at IHOP.

When I talk about Stan, I smile. I simply can't help it. I met him when I was 17. Seven years later we started dating. A year and 47 days after our first date, we were married.

Things weren't always roses and sunshine. There were stages. Like:

• Getting to know each other
  
• Yikes, this marriage thing is forever.
  
• Did I give up my freedom too young?
• Wow, his family is whacked.
• Man, oh man, my family is a freak show.
• Is is time for counseling?
• New baby colic time.
• Gee, it would be nice to have more money.

We have grown up together. We are still growing together. We have gone through a horrendous amount of extended family turmoil and came out mostly, if not completely, intact.

The life we have built together is a very good one. When we do have trials, we know that there is a loving, caring partner waiting at home to patch our wounds and empathize. I have never loved coming home more than after I married Stan.

Stan channeling Harry Potter through the cheesy glow in the dark Harry Potter glasses I got at the Barnes and Noble release party for the 7th book in the series. Not only does Stan love me, but he puts up with my incessant reading. The man is a saint.

Stan is 38 on Friday. I have gotten material gifts for him, but what I really want to give him is an excellent year full of fun, adventure and, most of all, love.

Happy Birthday to my one and only true love.

Jesus Vs. Republican Jeezus

My three day weekend.

Three days? Really? It seems more like one.

Friday night I was home at the ripe old time of 5:00 PM and I am off until Tuesday morning. This is a taste of what the 9-5, M-F types get. I like it. I don't like making only $8 during my two weeks of training, but whatcha gonna do?

Saturday I whisked Stan away to the Nicollet Island Inn for the night. It wasn't as glamorous or fun as I planned, but three days of taking care of a sick, over-emotional child will do that to you. It was all we could do to keep awake after dinner for the short walk to our room.

We were looking forward to a good night of uninterrupted sleep, but the Sleep Number bed we were trying out was uncomfortable. We hated it. Reade and John said it took some getting used to, but I believe a mattress should be comfy from the start.

Sarah and Jesse came to our rescue when Grandma Reade came down with a cold and babysat Noah for the night. In return for their kindness they got a boy hyped up on cold medicine and ribs for dinner. Not a fair trade in the least, but they still said yes.

In the morning I wanted to take them to Hell's Kitchen for breakfast. We arrived to find a 90 minute wait, so we ate at the Newsroom instead. The food was okay, but the service sucked.

Which brings us to today. A day for errands and hanging with the boy. Then it's back to the grind. No more Saturdays off for me!

Sigh.

Just in time for Halloween

A creepy pink eye.

I have the exact same symptoms I had last time: painful, swollen eyelid and pus oozing red/pink eyeball. Just like last time, it went into the second eye, but was not as bad.

In the middle of the night I broke out the old antibiotic eye drops in hopes that it would cure me so I could go to work (training) today. It didn't work. So this morning I was off to Urgent Care. I saw the same doctor, told him the same thing as last time and got completely different treatment. Last time he thought it was a bacterial infection. This time he thinks it's allergies.

What. The. Fuck?

Is it because I was struck down with pink eye for a second time? That's like changing treatment because someone got a second cold in their lifetime. He kept alluding to seasonal allergies, even though the last time I got pink eye it was in April. APRIL, Mr. Smarty McDoctorPants, not October.

I am frustrated. I am also still taking the old antibiotics even though it is verboten to do so. I figure it's okay since they don't expire until 2009. I am also grudgingly taking the allergy medicine and drops the doctor prescribed. So if it's bacterial or from allergies I should be covered. If it's viral it will just play itself out.

Damn, I hope I can go to training tomorrow. Today I can afford to miss the training since it was basically a review, but tomorrow I really need to go. Living one more day without knowing how to give an Aveda Carribean Body Wrap treatment is completely unacceptable!

You know you are a redneck if

You wear old underwear as a shirt. Talk about a commitment to recycling.


(Also my Halloween costume for next year. Aw, yeah.)

Apple Orchard Pumpkin Time

Last night Stan and I went to a Halloween Party. He was an Executioner and I was the big breasted slut that gets killed in every horror movie.

Today we switched into family mode and took Noah to the apple orchard and then the pumpkin farm.

He saw some big cement structures.

Then he turned into a tiger

and got eaten by a vampire.

Tonight is pumpkin carving and watching "The Littlest Vampire."

Halloween. It rocks.